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Post by DamieQue™ on May 14, 2009 14:27:38 GMT -5
Fellas - do we have it? If not fear, what are some of the aspects that might make us uncomfortable with taking that step? Ladies if it applies to you as well feel free to chime in - what worries you about marriage? For those who are married - what things concerned you before you made that move?
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Post by QueenOH on May 14, 2009 14:30:57 GMT -5
My best friend is afraid of marriage. He boyfriend has proposed to her about 3 times and she said no each time. He broke up with her after the second time, but then got back with her knowing she didn't want to be married and asked her a third time.
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Post by DamieQue™ on May 14, 2009 14:31:08 GMT -5
What do y'all want me to go first?
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Post by Mrs. Eyes on May 14, 2009 14:31:29 GMT -5
I'm afraid I wont' BE married.......................
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Post by DamieQue™ on May 14, 2009 14:31:56 GMT -5
My best friend is afraid of marriage. He boyfriend has proposed to her about 3 times and she said no each time. He broke up with her after the second time, but then got back with her knowing she didn't want to be married and asked her a third time. |
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Post by DamieQue™ on May 14, 2009 14:33:07 GMT -5
I'm afraid I wont' BE married....................... |
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Post by coldfront06 on May 14, 2009 14:36:59 GMT -5
For me, its the tremendous task of now being responsible for the well-being of your family. For the most part, as a single man I'm only responsible for myself. If I wanna quit my job, I'm the only person who suffers. Marriage changes that.
The trust aspect also is hard for me to get over. I'd have a trust a woman 1000% percent to marry her, and thats not easy to accomplish. I think I'm scared of divorce more than I'm scared of marriage...I don't want to get into a situation and feel like I made a mistake.
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Post by LogAKAlly <3'n Keef on May 14, 2009 14:39:04 GMT -5
For me, its the tremendous task of now being responsible for the well-being of your family. For the most part, as a single man I'm only responsible for myself. If I wanna quit my job, I'm the only person who suffers. Marriage changes that. The trust aspect also is hard for me to get over. I'd have a trust a woman 1000% percent to marry her, and thats not easy to accomplish. I think I'm scared of divorce more than I'm scared of marriage...I don't want to get into a situation and feel like I made a mistake. EXALT! |
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Post by T-Rex91 on May 14, 2009 14:39:51 GMT -5
Frankly married folk don't make it seem all that great. Maybe it's a greener grass scenario. I'm concerned about what I don't know. I'm sure the 50% of divorced couples thought they were going to make it. went to premarital counseling and everything. But it still failed and no one can give me details on what went wrong. I also know people who are married and miserable but want props cause they are staying married. It's damn near an epidemic.
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Post by LogAKAlly <3'n Keef on May 14, 2009 14:40:06 GMT -5
I was very young, I was unafraid.
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Post by QueenOH on May 14, 2009 14:41:00 GMT -5
My best friend is afraid of marriage. He boyfriend has proposed to her about 3 times and she said no each time. He broke up with her after the second time, but then got back with her knowing she didn't want to be married and asked her a third time. She thinks that maybe there is someone better for her out there. And that she would be tempted to cheat. I don't know if she wants to be married |
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Post by DamieQue™ on May 14, 2009 14:42:29 GMT -5
The trust aspect also is hard for me to get over. I'd have a trust a woman 1000% percent to marry her, and thats not easy to accomplish. I think I'm scared of divorce more than I'm scared of marriage...I don't want to get into a situation and feel like I made a mistake.
The fear of making a mistake and realizing it too late is a real one for me. I want to be 1000% sure once I go down that road... and there is no such thing as 1000% assurance. |
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Post by Blu on May 14, 2009 14:44:46 GMT -5
I was concerned about being responsible for a family and I was also afraid that my father may have passed down some sort of a latent manwhore gene...  It's pretty scary investing all your love and emotion in one person while not knowing what the future might hold.. |
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Post by T-Rex91 on May 14, 2009 14:44:50 GMT -5
Maybe that's it. You date the representative and once the ring slips on, you get the real person and you're stuck.
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Post by Bunny Hop on May 14, 2009 14:47:28 GMT -5
I think a lot of guys are afraid of the giving that much of themselves to another person period. Even if there were no big bills or kids I just think that them having to compromise on things they aren't used to compromising on is a bit much for them.
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Post by No Screen Name on May 14, 2009 14:50:14 GMT -5
Unhappiness with married life, infidelity (NOT on my part--I am pretty sure I would never cheat) and the cornucopia of fine professional women with great personalities that Damie spoke about. Let's face it--for Black men, it's a buyer's market. It's like a great big soul food buffet. And many of my Black male coworkers have assured me repeatedly that a man is GOING to cheat even if he's with Halle Berry, because men like variety.
I also fear not being accepted 100% for myself.
Also, I think "love" seems magical and mystical when you're young. When you're old and jaded, and have been in "love" dozens of times, it looses its' glitter.
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Post by LogAKAlly <3'n Keef on May 14, 2009 14:50:42 GMT -5
The trust aspect also is hard for me to get over. I'd have a trust a woman 1000% percent to marry her, and thats not easy to accomplish. I think I'm scared of divorce more than I'm scared of marriage...I don't want to get into a situation and feel like I made a mistake.
The fear of making a mistake and realizing it too late is a real one for me. I want to be 1000% sure once I go down that road... and there is no such thing as 1000% assurance.The thing is, NONE of us are 100% perfect - so how can you expect it. Right now - there's a lot of available women - you are still young - but time ain't on ya side and this kind of mentality is what leads to nigguhs being the "Old Man in the Club" The longer you wait - the more baggage and issues you BOTH acquire. The older you get, the more narrow that window of oppurtunity gets. I don't know about yall but if I met a man who WANTED to be married - but hadn't by age 40...I'd be like WTF is wrong with you?!? And the same for a woman - but NOT so much. Cause - as you said - it's SEVERAL Black women - and A LOT OF THEM ARE marriage material, LOOKING for a man. So, basically - by the time you hit 45-50...you settling anyway. |
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Post by No Screen Name on May 14, 2009 14:53:23 GMT -5
I've noticed the age range of the "Old Man in the Club" creeping up slowly. It used to be if you were in your 30s, you were the "Old Man in the Club". Now, "30 is the New 20", so it's more like 45.
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Post by LejaOMG on May 14, 2009 14:53:43 GMT -5
Same here. I live in the DC area. It is a cornucopia of fine women... many of them professional... many of them with great personalities (as best you can tell)... two-thirds of whom have an STD... but please, continyuh |
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Post by T-Rex91 on May 14, 2009 14:59:41 GMT -5
Marriage rates are down in general. The old reasons to marry (security, legitimization of children) aren't as important anymore. We've gotten very picky and in some cases expect traits in the other person that we ourselves don't posses. Many are waiting on that (what we think is) perfect person who just doesn't exist.
I thank God for my BF because he's the first man that's made me seriously think I want to be married. And he's patient enough to deal with me (ladies, don't sleep on guys in HR...LOL). He's flawed, I'm flawed, but hey, it works!
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Post by coldfront06 on May 14, 2009 14:59:57 GMT -5
I've noticed the age range of the "Old Man in the Club" creeping up slowly. It used to be if you were in your 30s, you were the "Old Man in the Club". Now, "30 is the New 20", so it's more like 45. Personally, I'd rather be the Old Man in the Club than the Old Man with an Unfaithful, Lazy Wife...LOL. Half of the people who get married become the old man/woman in the club anyway. I'm not looking for perfection, I just need to be assured that she's 1) In it for the long haul 2) Reliable and trustworthy. I can deal with stuff like she's a little overweight or skinny...lol. |
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Post by DamieQue™ on May 14, 2009 15:10:36 GMT -5
Same here. I live in the DC area. It is a cornucopia of fine women... many of them professional... many of them with great personalities (as best you can tell)... how do you know the one you think is the right one IS the right one?
The fear of making a mistake and realizing it too late is a real one for me. I want to be 1000% sure once I go down that road... and there is no such thing as 1000% assurance. The thing is, NONE of us are 100% perfect - so how can you expect it. Right now - there's a lot of available women - you are still young - but time ain't on ya side and this kind of mentality is what leads to nigguhs being the "Old Man in the Club" The longer you wait - the more baggage and issues you BOTH acquire. The older you get, the more narrow that window of oppurtunity gets. I don't know about yall but if I met a man who WANTED to be married - but hadn't by age 40...I'd be like WTF is wrong with you?!? And the same for a woman - but NOT so much. Cause - as you said - it's SEVERAL Black women - and A LOT OF THEM ARE marriage material, LOOKING for a man. So, basically - by the time you hit 45-50...you settling anyway.
I also don't agree that you necessarily acquire more baggage as you get older... hell you get wisdom as you get older they should result in less baggage.
Finally - many women THINK they're marriage material but they're not. Wanting to be married is simply ONE criteria... it is not the ONLY criteria. And as a man, I can always marry some young 29 year old when I'm in my 40's  |
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Post by LogAKAlly <3'n Keef on May 14, 2009 15:11:25 GMT -5
I've noticed the age range of the "Old Man in the Club" creeping up slowly. It used to be if you were in your 30s, you were the "Old Man in the Club". Now, "30 is the New 20", so it's more like 45. Personally, I'd rather be the Old Man in the Club than the Old Man with an Unfaithful, Lazy Wife...LOL. Half of the people who get married become the old man/woman in the club anyway. To each his own, but yall kill me with the ALL or NONE & the WORST case scenerios. Hell, how do you know you won't become the OLD, UNFAITHFUL husband?!? LOL The thing about that is, neither of you can possibly know until you're actually doing it. If you've ever been serious about a person to be engaged and broken up - that tells you. What if you didn't learn what you learned until after the marriage. In the same vein - I know folks who seemed like they were DEF not marriage material and wind up having a successful marriage. Marriage will teach you new things about yourself, good and bad - that you NEVER knew. Marriage will tests your beliefs on tolerance and forgivness like nothing else. It will also prove to you what your TRUE limits are. Almost EVERYONE who gets married - FAREAL - wants to be married forever. shit changes, people change. IIWII. But if you let fear of failing stop you, you won't do it and you won't divorce - then you haven't lost out anyways right? |
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Post by DamieQue™ on May 14, 2009 15:12:04 GMT -5
Same here. I live in the DC area. It is a cornucopia of fine women... many of them professional... many of them with great personalities (as best you can tell)... two-thirds of whom have an STD... but please, continyuh  |
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Post by Mrs. Eyes on May 14, 2009 15:12:28 GMT -5
I'm afraid I wont' BE married....................... No. I'm not going to marry someone where I have to think twice, I wouldn't have said yes. I would have got that all on the table before he puts a ring on it. |
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Post by DamieQue™ on May 14, 2009 15:14:23 GMT -5
Personally, I'd rather be the Old Man in the Club than the Old Man with an Unfaithful, Lazy Wife...LOL. Half of the people who get married become the old man/woman in the club anyway. To each his own, but yall kill me with the ALL or NONE & the WORST case scenerios. Hell, how do you know you won't become the OLD, UNFAITHFUL husband?!? LOL The thing about that is, neither of you can possibly know until you're actually doing it. If you've ever been serious about a person to be engaged and broken up - that tells you. What if you didn't learn what you learned until after the marriage. In the same vein - I know folks who seemed like they were DEF not marriage material and wind up having a successful marriage. Marriage will teach you new things about yourself, good and bad - that you NEVER knew. Marriage will tests your beliefs on tolerance and forgivness like nothing else. It will also prove to you what your TRUE limits are. Almost EVERYONE who gets married - FAREAL - wants to be married forever. shit changes, people change. IIWII. But if you let fear of failing stop you, you won't do it and you won't divorce - then you haven't lost out anyways right?
Fellas - do we have it? If not fear, what are some of the aspects that might make us uncomfortable with taking that step? |
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Post by LogAKAlly <3'n Keef on May 14, 2009 15:18:04 GMT -5
You're not reading my post. I didn't say anything about perfect, I said being sure she is the one. Two completely different things. We'll have to agree to disagree on "picking carefully and methodically" = "old man in the club". That's not even a leap - that's a triple jump in logic. Yeah, I misread - but everything is a gamble. You even know you won't find that level of assurance. People also get set in their ways and tend to be less flexible - less compromising, less trusting, more jaded, etc. [/color][/quote] Yep, that applies to men as well. And if you're old and broken down and married someone 10-15 years younger, isn't she settling??  LMAO!! |
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Post by LogAKAlly <3'n Keef on May 14, 2009 15:19:25 GMT -5
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Post by T-Rex91 on May 14, 2009 15:20:35 GMT -5
But you see now he's trying to shut us up NO JUSTICE, NO PEACE!  |
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Post by LogAKAlly <3'n Keef on May 14, 2009 15:22:08 GMT -5
EXACLTY 91!!
YOU SEE THIS?!?!?
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