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Post by QueenOH on Jan 29, 2008 8:54:47 GMT -5
It happened to me and I still don't like it
I reminds me of a time when all you had to do was ask the girl's father and yall would be getting married without the opinion of the woman at all included
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Post by kingdelta on Jan 29, 2008 9:02:43 GMT -5
The reason I don't like that tradition is because it was not about respect but negotiating a contract. That's why the men went to the father to see what she was worth. I know times have changed and we think it's great but I don't know if I can really get with that.
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Post by Can - Do on Jan 29, 2008 9:46:51 GMT -5
This is a slight spinoff from the take last name thread. Men (married) did you ask your wife's father for her hand in marriage? Men (single) do you plan on asking your boo's father for her hand in marriage? Is this tradition still valid or simply an archaic form of suck up? Women is (was) this important to you? Do tell... Marriage and moving forward with marriage has never been a big large thought on my mind. But it seems like it may become a reality without me even noticing. With that being said...I don't think that I would mind if my boyfriend didn't ask my dad for my hand in marriage. Because of my family structure it would make more sense for him to ask my mom. more than likely she'll be the one to know more about him and our situation than my dad will. |
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Post by msurbana on Jan 29, 2008 10:19:57 GMT -5
You are seriously about to get e-stabbed!  This is a serious issue! Secondly, the key is for someone to choose the possible mate that agrees with their stance on these things that way...what is important to HER will also be important to HIM!  I did... but it was perhaps too subtle. I would ask the father. It's really a matter of respect. And even if I didn't want to do it, I would still do it to show respect to her side of the family. I guess she on the other hand can do what's important to her and what will work for her. She doesn't have to stick to traditions that are not important to her or do not have a significant value in her life. ;D Carry on. This is an aside to the main conversation. I'm just making mental notes. Why have you not answered the question?  |
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Post by DamieQue™ on Jan 29, 2008 10:51:23 GMT -5
Are you reading what you're typing? What is important to her will be important to him? *SMH* I'm glad you said this though. I'll refer back to this thread often. ;D
The key (might I suggest) is the willingness to compromise... NOT having someone AGREE with what YOU have already concluded is right on your own. You are seriously about to get e-stabbed! This is a serious issue! Secondly, the key is for someone to choose the possible mate that agrees with their stance on these things that way...what is important to HER will also be important to HIM! I did... but it was perhaps too subtle. I would ask the father. It's really a matter of respect. And even if I didn't want to do it, I would still do it to show respect to her side of the family. I guess she on the other hand can do what's important to her and what will work for her. She doesn't have to stick to traditions that are not important to her or do not have a significant value in her life. ;D Carry on. This is an aside to the main conversation. I'm just making mental notes.
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Post by msurbana on Jan 29, 2008 11:01:15 GMT -5
You are turning my words around and I don't have time for that today. Are you reading what you're typing? What is important to her will be important to him? *SMH* I'm glad you said this though. I'll refer back to this thread often. ;D
The key (might I suggest) is the willingness to compromise... NOT having someone AGREE with what YOU have already concluded is right on your own. |
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Post by DamieQue™ on Jan 29, 2008 11:11:37 GMT -5
LOL - go to sleep Outtie. Nobody is turning your words. I am highlighting them. It's entirely up to you to take a self-centric or couple-centric perspective. We'll let the readers judge which one you seem to be espousing.You are turning my words around and I don't have time for that today. Are you reading what you're typing? What is important to her will be important to him? *SMH* I'm glad you said this though. I'll refer back to this thread often. ;D
The key (might I suggest) is the willingness to compromise... NOT having someone AGREE with what YOU have already concluded is right on your own.
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Post by msurbana on Jan 29, 2008 11:18:31 GMT -5
Espouse this:
lDBY i xusy 8oyu7da890 wg7 890t7r89 v7 q489db 6b90 d58t9 8uop nuctiop nuio
and for the slow of mind and hard of reading:
If a man believes that a couple should do XYZ
and a woamn believes a couple should do ABC
then uh why push for AYQ initially when the man can find a woman who believes in XYZ and the woman can find a man who believes in ABC?
*XYZ and ABC being fixed views only.
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Post by Warner Fite on Jan 29, 2008 11:25:59 GMT -5
I asked her mother and father for their daughters' hand in marriage.
I think it's honorable. However, the institution of marriage is lacking because many men don't follow this gesture of honor and many women don't make it a requisite. Kinda like not taking your husband's last name, IMO....
..and yes, it is a formal approach to ass-kissing.
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Post by Can - Do on Jan 29, 2008 11:27:46 GMT -5
a coworker of mine just said that her dad would prolly be find it insulting that he asked him first and would prefer him to ask his daughter first instead.
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Post by Troopa1911 on Jan 29, 2008 11:36:15 GMT -5
I would've asked (my wifes father) but he wasn't around. So her mother gave me her blessings.
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Post by Warner Fite on Jan 29, 2008 11:40:33 GMT -5
a coworker of mine just said that her dad would prolly be find it insulting that he asked him first and would prefer him to ask his daughter first instead. I would too...and if I wasn't clear in my response, I did ask my wife first, lol! EPUN: Hey baby, I just holla'd at your folks. They said "cool" Sessyivy: "Cool" about what? EPUN: aw, you know...gettin' married and shyt Sessyivy: *crickets* EPUN: So, uh....whats up with gettin' married?..your moms and pops is real cool wit' it! Sessyivy: *crickets* |
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Post by msurbana on Jan 29, 2008 11:41:04 GMT -5
Yes. I think that's one thing I think you should clear with the woman first.
Not all men are chauvanistic. Not all men view this as an honor either. They find it insulting that a man will not respect the daughter as the hard working independent woman she is.
Traditions are up for interpretation.
Actually my dad is like that 100%. I personally want him to be asked. It's not a request of his own.
There are male liberals....although from this board one could never tell. LOL
I remember when I recently I needed a tire. My dad too me to a black owned business because it was important to me to support BO. There was an old guy who owned the shop. When business was done I paid him in cash. He went to get change and gave the receipt to my father.
My father gave it back. He said "give it to the Lady, she paid you her hard owned cash." The owner said NO. LMAO what differnce does it make she's with YOU?
*floored* then my day said "the difference is her business, which you most likely won't be getting anymore".
I just sat there stunned. I honestly did not think twice of him giving my dad the money, because Im so used to it. You go somewhere they give the check to the man, they will even give him back your credit card even if they see your name.
But I think when my dad took that stance it showed me one more reason why I AM the woman I am and that not all men think the same.
O---loves her daddy!!!
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Post by QueenOH on Jan 29, 2008 12:14:40 GMT -5
Yes. I think that's one thing I think you should clear with the woman first. Not all men are chauvanistic. Not all men view this as an honor either. They find it insulting that a man will not respect the daughter as the hard working independent woman she is. Traditions are up for interpretation. Actually my dad is like that 100%. I personally want him to be asked. It's not a request of his own. There are male liberals....although from this board one could never tell. LOL I remember when I recently I needed a tire. My dad too me to a black owned business because it was important to me to support BO. There was an old guy who owned the shop. When business was done I paid him in cash. He went to get change and gave the receipt to my father. My father gave it back. He said "give it to the Lady, she paid you her hard owned cash." The owner said NO. LMAO what differnce does it make she's with YOU? *floored* then my day said "the difference is her business, which you most likely won't be getting anymore". I just sat there stunned. I honestly did not think twice of him giving my dad the money, because Im so used to it. You go somewhere they give the check to the man, they will even give him back your credit card even if they see your name. But I think when my dad took that stance it showed me one more reason why I AM the woman I am and that not all men think the same. O---loves her daddy!!! When I go out to places with Blacamus and he pay in cash they usually hand me back the change. If i pay in cash they hand me back the change. If I pay with credit they give the card back to me because people do not want to get caught up if something goes wrong with the credit card because you gave it to someone who's name is not on the card |
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Post by msurbana on Jan 29, 2008 12:28:25 GMT -5
That is very interesting Queen. I've experienced just the opposite. Nowadays I believe folks are becoming more careful about the credit cards. I noticed that especially at chain stores the most but elsewhere....still old habits die hard.
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Post by BKupInHere on Jan 29, 2008 14:26:28 GMT -5
a coworker of mine just said that her dad would prolly be find it insulting that he asked him first and would prefer him to ask his daughter first instead. I would too...and if I wasn't clear in my response, I did ask my wife first, lol! EPUN: Hey baby, I just holla'd at your folks. They said "cool" Sessyivy: "Cool" about what? EPUN: aw, you know...gettin' married and shyt Sessyivy: *crickets* EPUN: So, uh....whats up with gettin' married?..your moms and pops is real cool wit' it! Sessyivy: *crickets* |
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Post by BKupInHere on Jan 29, 2008 14:28:25 GMT -5
@msurbana...why did I just realize you were OUTTIE!!!
and youre right about the "assumed gender roles" when we pay for things & our man,husband or male relative is with us...
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{=}http://s2.images.proboards.com/sad.gif{/=}
This is a serious issue! Secondly, the key is for someone to choose the possible mate that agrees with their stance on these things that way...what is important to HER will also be important to HIM!
I did... but it was perhaps too subtle. I would ask the father. It's really a matter of respect. And even if I didn't want to do it, I would still do it to show respect to her side of the family. I guess she on the other hand can do 
