|
|
Post by Cambist on May 27, 2008 7:36:45 GMT -5
Several of you have been on OO long enough to hear my story about my ex who got pregnant and "lost" the baby. I put lost in quotes because I always felt that she terminated the pregnancy.
Months after that, she returned home and we broke up. I started dating The Warden (we all happened to be friends) and the rest is history.
Fast forward 12-13 years.
Over the years, we have spoken a few times, always cordial. Lately, we had a mutual friend (who she used to date) have some issues with depression following a NASTY divorce. We communicated and in my normal fashion, I offered some advice on some of the INSANE dudes she was dating.
During our last conversation, I told her (much like I do on teh board) to slow down and stop worrying about kids and marriage, etc...work on yourself. It will come.
She flipped out on me!
I was told that I have nerve giving her advice about relationships and children when I "left her and her child" for the Warden.
WOW! I think 13 years of emotion came out.
She reminded me that we never really discussed this issue then.
Did I contribute to her suffering? Must I beg forgiveness from the guys who had to deal with angst that I may have helped to cause?
|
|
|
|
Post by Bunny Hop on May 27, 2008 8:13:02 GMT -5
13 years....wow.
I know some bitter women and I don't ever want to become one. I swear in the end holding on to all that takes more energy than letting go or accepting what happened and moving on.
|
|
|
|
Post by Cambist on May 27, 2008 8:32:48 GMT -5
Maybe the title is a bit harsh. I don't know if she is really bitter but she did show that she has some unresolved bitterness...especially towards me.
My first thought was to just let it blow over and change the subject but I could tell it was really a sore spot.
|
|
|
|
Post by Highly Favored on May 27, 2008 8:59:22 GMT -5
Wow...
Those pent up emotions are something else. I know from experience.
At one time, I was somewhat like your ex (minus the pregnancy). I allowed "what he did to me" affect my relationships with men I later met They were good men that did absolutely nothing but try to make me happy and I would not allow myself to get close to any of them. I didn't really see it for what it was at the time. For years (not 13, though) after my breakup with my ex, I cried about what happened in my relationship with him. He was the first man I ever truly loved, but our relationship was not meant to be. I know that now.
After a period of time (I don't really remember how long), I began to look at the situation for what it really was. I came to terms with the fact I could not lay the blame for my unhappiness on my ex's shoulder and that I had to let it go and get on with my life. It was hard, but eventually I did get on with my life. I would never have become who I am had it not been for what I went through with him. I chose to let the situation make be better rather than bitter.
I've said all of that to say, your ex's choice to be bitter is her own. She chose to hold on to that old hurt, while you moved on with your life. Everybody has a story, but the world is not full of bitter people. She is not the first person, nor will she be the last person to have her experience. Life is full of disappointments.
|
|
|
|
Post by Ms. RedamnDickulous on May 27, 2008 9:10:26 GMT -5
Camel it sounds like her perceptions are driving her. For example, she may have perceived that you didn't want the baby and when you broke up and moved on and started a family with your now wife, she perceived that it was something wrong with her. Give her a chance to vent and talk to you regarding the old ass situation. She tried to suck it up, but lack of closure can be difficult for a woman. She is hurting because at some point realness wasn't kept. So just give her that few minutes, listen and just shut up. She knows what her problem is, but she doesn't want to hear it, so instead let her spell it out. Then cut the ties.
|
|
|
|
Post by GorgeousNgreen on May 27, 2008 9:21:27 GMT -5
Cam - go to the Religion Board and send her what i wrote about Forgive and be Free...tell her someone else wrote it so she wont flip out on you again...  |
|
|
|
Post by Cambist on May 27, 2008 9:22:18 GMT -5
Thanks...
I agree that she needs some closure. She wasn't just screaming at me but the fact that she brought it up kinda hit me in the face. Probably because I still have some unanswered questions about the way things went down.
We are friends and I think her recent relationship and the ubiquitous "biological clock" coupled with me giving her advice was just a cocktail for this to come up.
Maybe I need this conversation as much as she does.
|
|
|
|
Post by MochaD on May 27, 2008 9:24:29 GMT -5
Yeah Cam, let her vent and let her go. She desires closure from you or else she wouldn't have bought it up. Something transpired that never settled with her and she has some resentment towards you. You gotta hear her out. I had an ex do that to me, years after the fact and I was shocked and amazed because I never knew those feelings resided in him. He wasn't the best communicator so...but it no longer surprises me what people hold on to -good, bad and indifferent. AND certain things you can't tell any and everybody because it's nothing like telling the one who it directly concerns to get that monkey off your back. Good luck with that though...
|
|
|
|
Post by Cambist on May 27, 2008 9:24:42 GMT -5
Cam - go to the Religion Board and send her what i wrote about Forgive and be Free...tell her someone else wrote it so she wont flip out on you again... I will check it out. |
|
|
|
Post by GorgeousNgreen on May 27, 2008 9:33:27 GMT -5
Yeah Cam, let her vent and let her go. She desires closure from you or else she wouldn't have bought it up. Something transpired that never settled with her and she has some resentment towards you. You gotta hear her out. I had an ex do that to me, years after the fact and I was shocked and amazed because I never knew those feelings resided in him. He wasn't the best communicator so...but it no longer surprises me what people hold on to -good, bad and indifferent. AND certain things you can't tell any and everybody because it's nothing like telling the one who it directly concerns to get that monkey off your back. Good luck with that though... ok Mocha - I think you are my other twin....lol I had two guys that were holding things in about me that I NEVER even thought about and didnt know, until they told me. I was very shocked and surprised, and they felt they needed to tell me bc they were hurting. Just listening gives THEM release and helps them to move on. On the flip side, it let me know that sometimes when we think its really over in our minds, they really dont think so. No matter how cool or clean cut it was.... I was like -->  are u serious?? |
|
|
|
Post by Cambist on May 27, 2008 9:36:05 GMT -5
I guess I shouldn't be suprised seeing the conversations we have on OO everyday. Maybe because i've known her for 15 years I thought everything was ok.
She is typical type. Much like many of the women on OO.. beautiful, educated, professional, slightly annoying (LOL) 30-something who dates and is waiting for "THAT MAN" to find her.
I never thought I would have been someone elses monkey (no APhiA jokes, please) that they needed to remove.
WOW!
(Oh, shouts out to Phil...thanks bro)
|
|
|
|
Post by Mrs. Eyes on May 27, 2008 9:37:49 GMT -5
I feel she needs to get whatever happened between you and her off of her chest. She is not gonna start the healing process until she does. Until then she is goig to hold on to that grudge, pain, emotion, hurt, etc. until she is truly able to let it all go.
Like someone said earlier, let her get it all out. Be quiet and just listen, cuz that's what it sounds like, she just wants you to hear her out.
|
|
|
|
Post by MochaD on May 27, 2008 9:47:35 GMT -5
ok Mocha - I think you are my other twin....lol I was like --> are u serious?? EXACTLY! |
|
|
|
Post by Highly Favored on May 27, 2008 9:50:41 GMT -5
As the other posters have said, she never really got it all out of her system and maybe this is her way to get the healing she needs.
I never got a chance to speak my mind to my ex. As far as I am concerned, that is old, stale water under the bridge. I was able to move on without the type of closure she apparently needs, but everyone is not the same.
|
|
|
|
Post by Prissy New Year!!! on May 27, 2008 10:27:49 GMT -5
I have a different take.
You don't owe her anything. 12 years have passed, you have married and had children and so you owe her what? I am sure the warden would not appreciate you going back and being a shoulder for your ex just so she can "heal". Please! Sounds to me like your exes problem is that she has not taken any ownership for the choices SHE made that helped end the relationship and/or ended the pregnancy, which I assume was not "planned".
When we fool ourselves into thinking that someone else holds the key to our healing, that is what keeps us locked up in our pain. You can't give her closure, only she can do that by facing her part, forgiving you and herself and moving forward by making better choices. You don't need to have a conversation with a person in order to forgive them. She holds anger against you and only she can release it.
|
|
|
|
Post by Prissy New Year!!! on May 27, 2008 10:30:08 GMT -5
Wow... Those pent up emotions are something else. I know from experience. At one time, I was somewhat like your ex (minus the pregnancy). I allowed "what he did to me" affect my relationships with men I later met They were good men that did absolutely nothing but try to make me happy and I would not allow myself to get close to any of them. I didn't really see it for what it was at the time. For years (not 13, though) after my breakup with my ex, I cried about what happened in my relationship with him. He was the first man I ever truly loved, but our relationship was not meant to be. I know that now. After a period of time (I don't really remember how long), I began to look at the situation for what it really was. I came to terms with the fact I could not lay the blame for my unhappiness on my ex's shoulder and that I had to let it go and get on with my life. It was hard, but eventually I did get on with my life. I would never have become who I am had it not been for what I went through with him. I chose to let the situation make be better rather than bitter. I've said all of that to say, your ex's choice to be bitter is her own. She chose to hold on to that old hurt, while you moved on with your life. Everybody has a story, but the world is not full of bitter people. She is not the first person, nor will she be the last person to have her experience. Life is full of disappointments. I didn't read your post thoroughly before I posted. I could have just agreed with you...would have been quicker. |
|
|
|
Post by No Screen Name on May 27, 2008 10:53:10 GMT -5
I don't think it's bitterness. I think there is a lack of closure on BOTH ends. IMHO, it wouldn't hurt to FINALLY get all of this out in the open. Especially since you all are still friends/associates.
It may be different if you all hadn't spoken in years.
|
|
|
|
Post by Mrs. Eyes on May 27, 2008 10:59:04 GMT -5
I have a different take. You don't owe her anything. 12 years have passed, you have married and had children and so you owe her what? I am sure the warden would not appreciate you going back and being a shoulder for your ex just so she can "heal". Please! Sounds to me like your exes problem is that she has not taken any ownership for the choices SHE made that helped end the relationship and/or ended the pregnancy, which I assume was not "planned". When we fool ourselves into thinking that someone else holds the key to our healing, that is what keeps us locked up in our pain. You can't give her closure, only she can do that by facing her part, forgiving you and herself and moving forward by making better choices. You don't need to have a conversation with a person in order to forgive them. She I agree with this point too.................she wants you to listen to her, but truth be told, you don't owe her anything....... |
|
|
|
Post by Cambist on May 27, 2008 11:07:00 GMT -5
I don't think she's really bitter either, Z. The title was more to get women in the thread. LOL!
@ Prissy
You're absolutely correct. I don't "OWE" her anything but I think I may need this too. The Warden is aware of the entire situation (hayle, she was there through most of it) and despite one associate's suggestion, no one beleives that there is an ulterior motive.
|
|
|
|
Post by MochaD on May 27, 2008 11:08:19 GMT -5
I believe the TRUE closure comes from within. She really needs to create that for herself because it is ONLY when she is through with it will it no longer matter to her. Being that y'all are still friends and y'all do still communicate then she can and most likely will put it out there like she has or is about to do. Since y'all are friends, I say you owe her that much to just listen. There is really nothing you can say because you have moved on. You are married with kids and that is water under the bridge. I say listen and let her go because she is probably looking at your situation thinking "that could've been me" and "why didn't we work??"...oh well, that's just life and it wasn't meant to be but she needs to vent and she wants your ear. My advice is to be very careful. It is a very sensitive situation for her. She's getting up there in age, maybe she wants kids, wish she would have had your kid or maybe (worse case) she is unable to bear children. You never know. I'm curious though, what are you going to do?
|
|
|
|
Post by coldfront06 on May 27, 2008 11:13:12 GMT -5
Its surprising to me how long some people can hold on to something. The other person can never provide closure for you...thats a personal thing. I talked to a female friend yesterday. She's used to live in Rome, Georgia, and she's been invited back by one of her friends. She doesn't want to go, because she says she doesn't know how she will react if she sees her ex. They broke up 5 years ago!
One of my best friends can't get over his ex, and they've been apart for about 4 years. Every now and then he'll say something like "If we ever get back together" and I have to stop him. They have been apart longer than they were together...lol. Its time to let that pipe dream go.
|
|
|
|
Post by Cambist on May 27, 2008 11:17:13 GMT -5
I'm going to talk to her. As I said, there are some questions that I have too. Not that any of this will change anything.
Good thing is, we are like matches and jet fuel....stick around each other long enough and something will spark. LOL! So there is no fear of anything developing. Not even a little bit.
Hell, if the Warden is comfortable enough to say, "You two need to go somewhere and have this conversation" you KNOW it must be a safe bet.
|
|
|
|
Post by Bunny Hop on May 27, 2008 11:56:50 GMT -5
I agree with a lot of what has been said...I was just too lazy to type it all initially, lol.
Like a few people on here have she has to get closure herself (something that I'm learning). Sometimes I don't think talking and putting everything on the table will really provide closure. Closure doesn't always mean having all the answers and it could just bring up more issues. Kind of like lemon squeezes....is the issue getting resolved or do you just know how they really feel about you??
IDK...if yall talk and she doesn't find closure it might make things worse for her. She needs to look inside herself for the closure she needs.
|
|
|
|
Post by Cambist on May 27, 2008 12:05:43 GMT -5
Maybe it's not closure. Maybe it's just a good old fashioned reckoning! :/
I don't know...
|
|
|
|
Post by Bunny Hop on May 27, 2008 12:11:52 GMT -5
^^^LOL @ reckoning.
|
|
|
|
Post by Search1906 on May 27, 2008 13:35:45 GMT -5
I am of the school of thought that you don't owe her anything but you can listen as a courtesy. There comes a time where you have to decide whether you will let your past hold you captive and keep you from happiness. Just think if she wasn't able to be in contact with you what would she do....sulk and let this fester forever without the prospect of getting past it and having a healthy relationship? I think not...people need to be real and take charge of their lives. She needs to be confessing and leaning on Jesus to move her past this...heck she would have been past if after 15 years if she had. Not being insensitive but that is the realness in my book.
|
|
|
|
Post by No Screen Name on May 27, 2008 13:42:45 GMT -5
Here's my thing: Cam has questions. Old girl has questions (or at least unresolved feelings). Like the old Lattimore song says, "Let's Straighten It Out".
|
|
|
|
Post by Search1906 on May 27, 2008 13:46:56 GMT -5
I guess my question is why now after 15 years when you all run in the same circles and talk?
|
|
|
|
Post by Cambist on May 27, 2008 13:49:34 GMT -5
LOL! Thanks Troof. (how you been lady?)
@ Z...I don't really think she has been festering over this for this long but during this time we were looking after our friend...maybe something she thought was gone just reared it's bothsome head.
Y'all just don't know...Back in the day...dating Cam could have been a mental health hazzard with long lasting effects. LOL! I'm just kidding....
|
|
|
|
Post by Cambist on May 27, 2008 13:51:32 GMT -5
I guess my question is why now after 15 years when you all run in the same circles and talk? We live in different states but every once in a while, we all get together and have some conversation. It just so happens that we ended up coming together around this issue of our mutual friend. I understand what you're saying but it's not like we talk all the time. |
|
