Jokes. Got one?

[QueenOH]

An atom walks into a bar after drinking a few minutes the atom starts crying.
The bartender asks the atom "What's wrong?"
The atom says"I think I've lost an electron."
The bartender says "Are you sure?"
The atom cries " I'm positive..."

[QueenOH]

Some people say the glass is half full. Others say it is half empty.

Engineers say the glass is twice as large as it needs to be.

[Chal™]

i couldn't get past "dis be Walmart"

Feb 1, 2011 12:32:21 GMT -5 Noble Work said:

Walmart Cake

(Note: Make sure you read the story under the picture )
Keep in mind this actually happened.

This cake is for someone who was moving.




Okay , so this is how I imagine this conversation went:

Walmart Employee: 'Hello 'dis be Walmarts, how can I help you?'
Customer: ' I would like to order a cake for a going away party this week.'
Walmart Employee: ? 'What you want on da cake?'
Customer: 'Best Wishes Suzanne' and underneath that 'We will miss you'.
STOP LAUGHING !
You can't fix stupid.

[Noble Work]

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl.

As he sat down, he noticed that the seat next to him was empty.

He asked the man on the other side of the empty seat whether anyone was sitting there.

"No," the man replied, "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the first man.

"Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world and not use it?"

The second man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.

This will be the first Super bowl we haven't been together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shook his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."

[Noble Work]

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.

Example, the trade name is Tylenol and it's generic name is Acetaminophen.. Aleve is also called Naproxen.

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.
After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer..
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them

[Noble Work]

Teacher Questions w/ Student Answers


Teacher:
Maria , go to the map and find North America.

Maria:
Here it is!

Teacher:
Correct. Now class, who discovered America?

Class:
Maria
___________________

Teacher:
John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

John:
You told me to do it without using tables.
___________________

Teacher:
Glen, how do you spell 'crocodile?'

Glen:
K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L.

Teacher:
No, that's wrong.

Glen:
Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
__________________

Teacher:
Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

Donald:
H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O.

Teacher:
What are you talking about?

Donald:
Yesterday you said it's H to O.
_____________________

Teacher:
Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

Winnie:
ME!
____________________

Teacher:
Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

Glen:
Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
____________________

Teacher:
George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted to it.
Now Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

Louie:
Because George still had the axe in his hand . . .
______________________

Teacher:
Now Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

Simon:
No sir, I don't have to; my Mom is a good cook.
______________________

Teacher:
Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

Clyde:
No sir. It's the same dog.
_______________________

Teacher:
Harold, what do you call a person who keeps talking when people are no longer interested?

Harold:
A teacher.

[Chal™]

Teacher:
Harold, what do you call a person who keeps talking when people are no longer interested?

Harold:
A teacher.

love it!

[Noble Work]

Women ARE SO SMART...

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted.

[Noble Work]

My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very
happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort
Inn Hotel. Please don 't be upset----I shall be home before midnight.
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:


My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 57 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 57 years old.
As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 57 a lot more times than 57 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

[Noble Work]

When to start cussing

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"

[Kyng of JDs]

^ I lost it!!

Great one LEVEL

[Gee-Are]

Paul Mooney classic...

Little Johnny can't sleep at night. He wakes up, rubs his eyes wearily and wanders down the hall towards his parents' room. He doesn't knock, he just opens the door, and to his surprise he sees his dad on top of his mom whose ass is hiked up in the air, face on the bed and she's oblivious to what is going on.

Little Johnny's dad sees his son and doesn't stop. In fact, he chuckles, turns to his son, gives him a thumbs up sign along with a big >WINK!<

Johnny closes the door and returns to his room.

A few days later, Little Johnny's dad hears some screaming and commotion coming from his son's room. He rushes down the hall and busts the door open.

To HIS surprise, Little Johnny is gyrating like a machine on top of his GRANDMA! who is spread eagle all across the bed. One leg's this way and the other leg is another. Her hair is messed up and she has not a care in the world.

Little Johnny's dad is shocked, but before he can yell at the little cuss, Little Johnny says, "ain't so funny when it's yo mama, now is it?"

[Noble Work]

A B C D E F G H I J K

A wife asked her husband to describe her .....
He said, 'You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K'.

She said, 'What does that mean?'
He said Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot'.
She said, 'Oh that's so lovely. What about I, J, K ?'

He said,







--- I'm Just Kidding !!! :-)

[Noble Work]

Women

A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible....

No wait...Sorry.

I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that shit.

Never mind.

[Noble Work]

Alzheimer's Test

How fast can you guess these words with missing letters?

1. F_ _K
2. PU_S_
3. S_X
4. P_N_S
5. BOO_S
6. _ _NDOM



Answers Below


















































Answers:
1. FORK
2. PULSE
3. SIX
4. PANTS
5. BOOKS
6. RANDOM

You got all 6 wrong didn't you?

Well, Congratulations!
You don't have Alzheimer's - but you are a pervert...

[Noble Work]

Mating

A dog lover, whose dog was a bitch and in heat, agreed to keep a neighbor's male dog while they were away on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep them apart but, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage as so frequently happens when they mate.



Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next,

although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.



After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, “Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and be able to withdraw.”



"Do you think that will work?" she asked.



“It just worked for me" he replied.

[Noble Work]

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.


His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.


As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home
is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'.


And on and on and on........


Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a
long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang.


The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all.
Wright would not be hanged tonight .


Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.


As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.


"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.


He whirled around and screamed,

"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP NAGGING ?"

[Noble Work]

Oh To Be 12 Again...


A man was sitting on the edge of the bed,observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

'I'd like to be twelve again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made ! her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops,

and then took her to Alton Towers theme park..

What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Corkscrew, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.

?


Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.

?


Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a Mc Donald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn, a huge Cola, and her favourite sweets......M&M's.

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,

'Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?'

?


Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'


The moral of the story:Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

[Noble Work]

A man called home to his wife and said, ' Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends

We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up'
' Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas. '

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.

The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good .

The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, 'Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to Do?'

You'll love the answer...

The wife replied, 'I did. They're in your fishing box ...'

[Noble Work]

So we were riding in the car the other day:

lil Ms Level: daddy
Level: yes
lil Ms Level: spell way but take the F out
Level: huh? (looking out wife)
Lil Ms. Level (son chimed in as well): Spell way but take the F out
Level: What? looking at wife mumbling...it ain't no f in way
Level: Ummm baby It ain't not F in way.
All of them: laughed, HA HA HA daddy you said "it ain't no F in way"
Level: I. know. IT AIN'T NO F IN WAY.
Thinking I'm being smart right, even looking at them in the rear view mirror.
Them: cracking up

Then it hits me, OHHH ok so ya'll got jokes huh?

Level: Imma whoop all of ya....for making me think and using my brain after work on a Friday.

[Noble Work]

Daddy, how was I born? 'Well, son, Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe . We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button , nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: "You got Male!"

[Noble Work]

An 85 year old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get that jar opened

[Noble Work]

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder. Somehow I feel better, even though I have it!!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.


This is how it manifests itself:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I head towards the garage, I notice post on the porch table that I picked up from the postman earlier.

I decide to go through it before I wash the car.

I put my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the recycling box under the table, and notice that the recycling box is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the recycling first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the post-box when I take out the recycling paper anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my cheque book off the table and notice that there is only one cheque left.

My extra cheques are in the desk in my study, so I go into the house to my desk where I find the cup of coffee I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my cheques but first I need to push the coffee aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The coffee is getting cold, and I decide to make another cup..

As I head toward the kitchen with the cold coffee, a vase of flowers on the worktop catches my eye - the flowers need water.

I put the coffee on the worktop and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers..

I put the glasses back down on the worktop, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote control. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I put the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.



At the end of the day:

The car isn't washed

The bills aren't paid

There is a cold cup of coffee sitting on the kitchen work-surface

The flowers don't have enough water,

There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,

I can't find the remote,

I can't find my glasses,

And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all bloody day and I'm really tired.

I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.....

Do me a favour. Forward this message to everyone you know, Because I can't remember who the hell I've sent it to.

Don't laugh - if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!

[Noble Work]

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy'. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom .....'

[Noble Work]

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.

Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist Dr. Chang.

So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said 'OK take off all your crose.' The woman did as she was told. 'Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.' Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.' So she did. Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said 'Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.'

Worried the woman asked anxiously 'Oh my God Dr. Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease? 'Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied 'Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass.'

[Noble Work]

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked,"Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said,

I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said,

"Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied,

"Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said,

"I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood tests just came back normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful.

I was so worried. God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied,

"You're more than welcome.

Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said,

"No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302.

No one tells me shit."

[Chal™]

HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAH!!!!!

[Oldskool]

A Pirate walked in to a bar

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while.
What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a Cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook?
What happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook.
But I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds
Flew over. I looked up, and one of them pooped in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender.
"You couldn't lose an eye just from a bird's poop."

"It was my first day with the hook."