Jokes. Got one?

[Noble Work]

post them here:

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 86).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours - green, red, orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at him.

The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked: “What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?”

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one!

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid …………

“Got stoned once and screwed a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.”

[Oren Ishii]

That is ridiculous, Work. LMAO

[Kyng of JDs]

Oldie but goodie lawyer joke:

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

[Kyng of JDs]

One of my favorites:

A police officer pulled a man over for speeding and had the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my fifth DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But, come to think of it, I believe I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes, sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem.

The trunk was opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

[Noble Work]

(Dry humor)


Ya heard Ronald McDonold killed the Burger King man in front of Dairy Queen over that B*&^% Wendy, the funeral gonna be out Church's you going? I'm going.

[Noble Work]

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual

soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only

the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said

softly," You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming

or this is going to be my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then

gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,

her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

[Oren Ishii]

Bwahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Feb 1, 2010 16:11:44 GMT -5 Noble Work said:

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual

soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only

the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said

softly," You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming

or this is going to be my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then

gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,

her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

[Chal™]

Well dang. lol

Feb 1, 2010 16:11:44 GMT -5 Noble Work said:

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual

soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only

the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said

softly," You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming

or this is going to be my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then

gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,

her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

[Kyng of JDs]

Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together.

As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.

Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.

So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid picture of her having sex with her new boyfriend's and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone." Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome.

He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to her parents.

[Chal™]

Feb 1, 2010 22:05:01 GMT -5 Kyng of JDs said:

He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to her parents.

I Love It!!! lol

[Noble Work]

The Angry Wife:

A man left work one Friday afternoon but, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the whole weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When He finally got home Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was berated for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough so that he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

[Chal™]

lol

[Noble Work]

The CowBoy


A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew
very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper
for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She
thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to
hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house
than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot
about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing
very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a
really good job, and the ranch looks great You should go into town and kick
up your heels.'

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired
hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he
found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine,
waiting for him..

She quietly called him over to her.

'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she
directed.

'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

'Now take off my stockings.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by
her boots.

'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her
eyes in the fire light.


'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and
dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town
again, you're fired

[Coldfront06]

^^^LMAO!

[Chal™]

^iSmiled. hard. lol

[Chal™]

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.

The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?'

'I'm out of gas,' the man replied.

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.

'Try it now,' said one bee.

The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. 'Wow!' the man exclaimed, 'what did you put in my gas tank'?

The bee answered,

[Chal™]

A car gets a flat on the interstate one day.

The blonde driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the road, carefully Steps out of the car and opens the trunk.

She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear Of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.

The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies And private parts to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, the traffic becomes snarled and backed up.

It isn't very long before a police car arrives.

The officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What's going on here?"

"My car broke down, officer" says the woman calmly.

"Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by The road?" he asks.

"Helllooooooo!!!!" says the blonde "Those are my emergency flashers!"

[Noble Work]

"Elk Sex"

Two guys are drinking in a bar.
One says, "Did you know that Elks have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"

"Aw crap..," says his friend, "and I just joined the Masons !"

[Noble Work]

LOGIC, LEGAL AND BOTH

After having failed his exam in Logistics and Organization, a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student, “Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?”

Professor, “Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!”

Student, “Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as it is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an ‘A’ for the exam.”

Professor, “Okay, it’s a deal. So what is the question?”

Student: “What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?”

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an ‘A’, as agreed.

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.

He immediately answers, “Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife’s lover an ‘A’, although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical.”

[Julie Art]

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL @ these jokes!

[Noble Work]

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven


1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia.. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected
that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

[Julie Art]

Lololololol!

[Kyng of JDs]

One day while at her job as a bank loan officer, Patty Black, had a frog hop onto her desk and say, "I would like to apply for a lily-pad improvement loan." Patty looked incredulously at the frog and said, "I'm sorry, we don't loan money to frogs." To which the frog replied, "I have collateral," as he handed her a small ceramic trinket. Not wanting to be impolite, Patty said, "I don't know. I'll have to talk to the bank manager."

She walked back to the manager's office and said, "There is a frog out here, asking for a lily-pad improvement loan, and this trinket is all he has for collateral." The bank manager picked up the trinket and looked at it carefully. Then smiling he turned to Patty and said, "Why it's a knick-knack, Patty Black. Give the frog a loan."

[Kyng of JDs]

A Yankee lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going into retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything!
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the NC three-Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The Yankee attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the Yankee lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The Yankee lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it's my turn."
The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

[Julie Art]

Do you know why it's so cold?



Because almost every white person for 200+ years said. "It will be a cold day in Hell before a black man becomes President."

[T-Rex91]

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and
exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I
just turned 60.) A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't
resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'



He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'



'Oh no,' I replied.. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'



Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs? 'I said,



'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'



'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,
hiking, or bicycling?'



'No, I don't,' I said.



He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'



'No,' I said.



He looked at me and said,... 'Then, why do you even give a sh!t?'

[DamieQue™]

Best Sex Ever

An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small town. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you." Yes," she says, "I remember it well." OK," he says, "how about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time's sake?

"Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.. They walk haltingly along leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks.

Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen- year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes! She's yelling, "Ohhh, God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The policeman, still watching thinks, that was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is. As the couple passes, he says to them, "That was something else! You must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? "You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of a secret?"

The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

[Noble Work]

Damie that was a Good One....lol

[Noble Work]

Maria, my Maid, asked for a pay increase I was very upset about this so I
decided to talk to her about it.

"Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: 'Well, Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.

The first is that I iron better than you.'

"Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: 'Your husband said so.'

"Oh."

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

"Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: 'Your husband did.'

"Oh."

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..'

(really furious now): "My husband said that to you!?"

Maria: 'No Senora...the gardener did.'

( A few moments of silence )

"So how much do you want?"

[Noble Work]

Grammar Lesson

Grammar 101:

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3'. When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."The man was encouraged. As he walks away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded. "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, He took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?" And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.