Forgiveness

[Chal™]

People do things to us, and we say we forgive them. But do we really? Saying, "I forgive you," and holding on to the issue is not real forgiveness. So I have two questions:

How do you truly forgive someone?
How do you know when you have truly forgiven someone?

[Cambist]

Forgiveness is not forgetting what happened or even accepting what happened and moving on as if it never did.

Forgiveness is accepting that what happened cannot be changed and moving on. It doesn't mean that you will forget it. It doesn't mean that you will want to fool with that person after the forgiveness. It just means that you accept that the situation is done and nothing can change....and moving on.

Additionally....forgiveness does not preclude punishment or consequences any more than saying "Excuse me" makes the smell of a fart go away.

[Chal™]

so, are you forgiving the person or the situation?

[Highly Favored]

I agree, Cam.

A lot of people believe that you must forget something in order to forgive a person. That's not necessarily true. The mind is powerful and we don't soon forget things, particularly those things that may have affected us in a major way. However, I don't believe it is possible to forgive and "hold on" to the specific issue.

Whenever I talk to people about forgiveness, I often use a scar on my hand as an analogy. Whenever my husband and I were dating, I cut my hand on a sharp edge of part of his front door. It was a deep cut that bled and bled and really hurt when it happened and for a while after. After a while, the wound stopped hurting and eventually healed. However, I still have the scar. I remember how I got it and that it hurt, but I have accepted it as one of those things in life that just happens. I didn't stop visiting him, nor did I stop using his front door, but, for a long time, I approached that door with caution. It's the same with forgiveness. It means exercising the appropriate caution when dealing with that person in the future, since experience has dictated that you should do so.

I know that I have forgiven when I don't wish a person ill or refrain from doing something that might help them on the sole basis that I am upset about what they did to me. When I have forgiven, I lose the desire to retaliate or rejoice at that person's misfortune when the opportunity presents itself. I'm not dwelling on what they did and how bad they hurt me everytime I see them. Although I never truly forget, what they did should not be the first thing that comes to mind every time I see them.

I forgive easily because I feel that I give people power over my life that they don't deserve to have when I refuse to do so. But, honestly, I don't forget easily. There is always a lesson to be learned and if you forget, you lose the lesson.

Long story short, don't hold onto the issue, but hold on to the lesson you learned as a result of it.

Sorry for the long post.

[T-Rex91]

This is by far my biggest flaw. Once you betray me, we're pretty much done. I'll be cordial, but I can't forgive you and trust you again. I just move on from you. You cease to exist for me.

Clearly I'm not talking about mundane stuff but the big relationship testing stuff. If I can't trust you, I don't fugg with you.

Cam, mentioned that forgiveness means you don't give people power over your life. Interestingly enough, I feel the same way about erasing you from mine. It's scary easy for me.

[Chal™]

First, I want to thank you guys for your responses. They are definitely helpful.

I apologize in advance if I seem relentless in my search for an answer. You may have figured out that this subject is kinda upfront in my life right now. Almost a year ago, I posted my story about an abusive ex. I pretty much THOUGHT I forgave him, however, that forgiveness hadn't been tested because I haven't seen in in a long time. You know the saying; Out of sight, out of mind. Well, I saw him this past Saturday and all those feelings of violence, malice, and fear hit me with a strong force. I immediately began to look for something, ANYTHING, i could use to knock his butt out. Old habits or maybe, subconcious thought, I guess. Either way, I went into defense mode.

I really thought I'd forgiven both him AND myself for that situation, but I'm starting to doubt that now.

[T-Rex91]

I think seeing him evoked a reaction that was more about self forgiveness than forgiving him ("How could I have let this niccuh treat me like this??". We often continue to beat ourselves up about stuff that God has long ago swept away like sand. Forgiving yourself is incredibly hard sometimes.

[Chal™]

ain't that the truth. I Owe each of you and exalt. I just wrote a note to self to remember. lol.
I'll do it in order. Cam, you're first. HF, you should see yours in about an hour. 91, in 2 hours.

Wait, i have alters. lol

[Highly Favored]

Thanks for the exalt, Chal.

I echo the sentiments that 91 expressed about self-forgiveness. And, even forgiving others who have hurt you deeply, is often a long and difficult task. It is not instantaneous as many would have you believe. It takes time. Give time and God an opportunity to work. Don't be too hard on yourself.

[Chal™]

yw, and thank you for the words of wisdom and encouragement.

silly me, I thought I could say when I was done. I guess I really am only human.

<== goes to pack away superhero(ine) outfit

[denounced]

When I tell someone that I forgive them, it's over. I have just been able to do it. I actually get "mad" if they bring up the situation again, trying to apologize. Eventually, with most thigns, not all, things are forgotten. Here's the best example that I know; a frat brother borrowed my car (1991/1992). He said he had to go to Va. to take care of some business. Cool! The place would be a 360 mile round trip. When he got back, he was hemming and hawing about this that and the other. Nice try to divert my attention away from the real problems. The most noticeable, he had put exactly 1000 miles on the ride. I immediately knew where he went. NYC is exactly 500 miles. I just said cool and got in my car. After cooling off, I was good to go, and we were straight, UNTIL he asked me to borrow the car again. I politely said no. He asked why, and I told him because you lied to me. I told him we were cool about that. You talkin' bout leaning on the shield; well it got a crack in it that day. I forgave him, but I was no fool either.