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Post by nyunupe on Mar 9, 2012 12:47:43 GMT -5
We all struggle with this, right? Not obvious infidelity, meaning, you actually witness your loved one having a physical affair...and remember, I don't need the webster's dictionary term because, if it was that simple, the term wouldn't demand broad conversations and debates....women and men could actually agree on this.
But terms like, emotional affairs or day dreams of someone you met earlier in the day that evoked a strong emotion within. How about sexual thoughts of Michelle Obama for men or President Obama for woman? Is that infidelity? or some form of it?
My GF overheard a conversation I was having with a friend of mine who is married. We were watching TV, and an image of Michelle Obama appeared. It was a FINE image of her. My friend said, "Man, I would knock that down without even thinking about the consequences"...My GF overheard that comment and ask me about it later. It turned into a heated debate...She called it an emotional affair, of sorts....of sorts! I thought that was bullshit.
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Post by LejaOMG on Mar 9, 2012 12:51:43 GMT -5
I thought that was bullshit. It was. Allow me to elaborate. Just because something is unkind or untoward or disrespectful doesn't make it cheating "of sorts." I don't think my man going out on the town and flirting, buying women drinks and chatting them up is any form of cheating. I don't like it; it may be inappropriate. But it's not infidelity. |
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Post by nyunupe on Mar 9, 2012 13:06:59 GMT -5
I thought that was bullshit. It was. Allow me to elaborate. Just because something is unkind or untoward or disrespectful doesn't make it cheating "of sorts." I don't think my man going out on the town and flirting, buying women drinks and chatting them up is any form of cheating. I don't like it; it may be inappropriate. But it's not infidelity. Oh no.... See, I was with you until the flirting, buying women drinks part. But I love your response, and others like it, because it really proves out that infidelity is not as objective as everyone makes it out to be. Just the mere perception of various "acts" of infidelity are so broad and subjective. See, I think if your out on the town flirting and buying women drinks and chatting them up, this is the "ramp-up" to cheating, the prelude, if you will, here's the gray-area... I may not plan to cheat that night, but a strong chemistry may build between the drink buying and conversation/flirting. How do you control that? How do you control the perception that you're not cheating if your GF friends witness you out on the town buying good-looking women drinks and chatting them up? If you end up in bed that night with the person you bought drinks for and flirted with, when did the actual act of infidelity begin? |
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Post by LejaOMG on Mar 9, 2012 13:08:22 GMT -5
If you end up in bed that night with the person you bought drinks for and flirted with, when did the actual act of infidelity begin? Good question like a mug |
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Post by nyunupe on Mar 9, 2012 13:36:01 GMT -5
So, during the debate between myself and my GF, she states that merely fantasizing about a woman in sexual terms is a form of emotional cheating, and so is the example of sharing conversations about sex or your relationship with other women, notwithstanding a female relationship counselor or therapist....
So as an example, I asked her, under no uncertain terms, that if during my therapeutic sessions with a female relationship therapist, we develop some sort of unforseen chemistry which results into a physical affair? When exactly did that affair begin to occur? Did it occur when she began thinking of me/me thinking of her in sexual terms? How would I, or for that matter, anyone would know that if we met first under pure professional terms...?
Do you know she flipped it and blamed on me giving off "signals" of "maleness" that allowed the female therapist to develop an attraction...
I was like, "Lord, keep me by the Cross" on that one. But I didn't necessarily take it as some wild-ass statement. I simply told her that her individual opinion on infidelity was just that, a simple subjective statement based on a simple premise of opinion.
I then went to my living room, opened up a cold beer and said to myself "I wonder what the folks on OOA would say"....
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Post by nyunupe on Mar 9, 2012 13:39:20 GMT -5
If you end up in bed that night with the person you bought drinks for and flirted with, when did the actual act of infidelity begin? Good question like a mug Cool...but help me here. I want someone to advance the conversation/topic because I really want to learn. I felt almost helpless last night. Plus, I've fantasized about Michelle Obama and it felt good than a mug. |
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Post by QueenOH on Mar 9, 2012 13:40:57 GMT -5
Cheating needs to be defined by the people in the relationship. I know my husband still finds other women attractive and I don't consider it cheating if it stays in his mind. If it goes physical then we have a problem
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Post by nyunupe on Mar 9, 2012 13:48:21 GMT -5
Cheating needs to be defined by the people in the relationship. I know my husband still finds other women attractive and I don't consider it cheating if it stays in his mind. If it goes physical then we have a problem Okay....and true and as long as BOTH parties agree to each other's "policy" if you will. If it's not shared, it's not defined. Meaning, most men will go along to get along, but will never share their definition. But attraction is one thing. Being attracted and fantasizing is another. Is it okay for a man who is married to fantasize about an attractive woman while having sex with his wife/partner and visa-verse? Is that infidelity? |
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Post by ReignMan19 on Mar 9, 2012 13:53:38 GMT -5
Good freakin Topic...
"You're in a relationship not dead" comes to mind.
Flirting - eh... I dont mind flirting.. as long as it's kept light and not in front of me..
Phone Calls/Texts - hell naw
Fantasies - Well.. i'ma have them so.... you do you
Drinks - Funny Story...
This chick and I were at this lounge. I had a tab running so we went to go get drinks. She came back and was like "when I was about to add these to your tab this guy insisted on paying and so I let him. Do you care? " Me: "Hell naw, I hope you said thanks."
You should have seen homeboys face when he walked up the second level and saw me and her sipping and talking. lol.. that could have got ugly but it didn't.
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Post by 123Diva on Mar 9, 2012 13:58:56 GMT -5
Usually, I don't consider it cheating unless it is physical.
However, please do note that there are plenty of actions and conversations that may not fall under the cheating umbrella that are indeed disrespectful to the relationship.
That is the bottom line. Be RESPECTFUL!
I generally agree with Leja's and Queen's answers on this one.
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Post by nyunupe on Mar 9, 2012 14:29:37 GMT -5
Usually, I don't consider it cheating unless it is physical. However, please do note that there are plenty of actions and conversations that may not fall under the cheating umbrella that are indeed disrespectful to the relationship. That is the bottom line. Be RESPECTFUL! I generally agree with Leja's and Queen's answers on this one. Yes, I can connect with that.... But when you say that some actions may not fall under the general terms of cheating, but are disrespectful, are we compartmentalizing infidelity? Are we now making it even more broader? We all remember the scene in the movie "Waiting to Exhale" where Wes Snipes and Angela Basset end up "sleeping" with each other, but not really sleeping with each other. Still, one is married (despite his circumstance) and they still shared a night together without sex. Was his marriage disrespected or was that infidelity? |
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Post by nyunupe on Mar 9, 2012 14:31:16 GMT -5
Good freakin Topic... "You're in a relationship not dead" comes to mind. Flirting - eh... I dont mind flirting.. as long as it's kept light and not in front of me.. Phone Calls/Texts - hell naw Fantasies - Well.. i'ma have them so.... you do you Drinks - Funny Story... This chick and I were at this lounge. I had a tab running so we went to go get drinks. She came back and was like "when I was about to add these to your tab this guy insisted on paying and so I let him. Do you care? " Me: "Hell naw, I hope you said thanks." You should have seen homeboys face when he walked up the second level and saw me and her sipping and talking. lol.. that could have got ugly but it didn't. Reign....you a pimp. |
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Post by ReignMan19 on Mar 9, 2012 14:33:13 GMT -5
"We all remember the scene in the movie "Waiting to Exhale" where Wes Snipes and Angela Basset end up "sleeping" with each other, but not really sleeping with each other. Still, one is married (despite his circumstance) and they still shared a night together without sex. Was his marriage disrespected or was that infidelity? "
*waits on response*
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Post by QueenOH on Mar 9, 2012 14:58:03 GMT -5
That was stupidity but not infidelity. And no I don't remember that scene, but if I was his wife I would be kicking people and throwing ish.
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Post by nyunupe on Mar 9, 2012 15:00:17 GMT -5
That was stupidity but not infidelity. And no I don't remember that scene, but if I was his wife I would be kicking people and throwing ish. LOL! |
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Post by ShimmeringSTAR on Mar 9, 2012 15:20:54 GMT -5
Infedility is what you make it. I define it as emotional and physical.
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Post by nyunupe on Mar 9, 2012 15:45:11 GMT -5
That was stupidity but not infidelity. And no I don't remember that scene, but if I was his wife I would be kicking people and throwing ish. You really don't remember that scene? |
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Post by nyunupe on Mar 9, 2012 15:46:34 GMT -5
Infedility is what you make it. I define it as emotional and physical. Can you give me your definition of emotional infidelity? |
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Post by QueenOH on Mar 9, 2012 16:03:39 GMT -5
That was stupidity but not infidelity. And no I don't remember that scene, but if I was his wife I would be kicking people and throwing ish. You really don't remember that scene? I really don't. I remember the car fire, the songs from the movie and that is about it. |
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Post by nyunupe on Mar 9, 2012 16:08:38 GMT -5
You really don't remember that scene? I really don't. I remember the car fire, the songs from the movie and that is about it. I don't beleive you. Every woman knows that scene damn near verbatim...well, that scene and that fire scene, lol. I believe your are performing selective memory on me due to my lowly status as a newbie and you don't want to give me credit for my awesome recall. whatever...go get a #11 from McDonalds. |
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Post by QueenOH on Mar 9, 2012 16:12:52 GMT -5
I really don't. I remember the car fire, the songs from the movie and that is about it. I don't beleive you. Every woman knows that scene damn near verbatim...well, that scene and that fire scene, lol. I believe your are performing selective memory on me due to my lowly status as a newbie and you don't want to give me credit for my awesome recall. whatever...go get a #11 from McDonalds. You eat McDonald's! And Taco Bell! |
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Post by nyunupe on Mar 9, 2012 16:19:19 GMT -5
No I don't.....well, in the summer-time, I like the strawberry-lemonade thingy. As for Taco-Bell, I have not eaten there since my days of pledging.
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Post by ShimmeringSTAR on Mar 9, 2012 16:22:35 GMT -5
Infedility is what you make it. I define it as emotional and physical. Can you give me your definition of emotional infidelity? Emotions come in when you see the person weekly or you talk/text them more than 2 times a week. When you worry about the persons thoughts of you and you arguing over the smallest things. That to me is emotional cheating. |
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Post by Chal™ on Mar 9, 2012 16:58:02 GMT -5
touchy subject. but as previously stated, infidelity is what you make it. It's up to you and your mate to define and set perimeters in your relationship.
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Post by Oldskool on Mar 9, 2012 18:24:49 GMT -5
"We all remember the scene in the movie "Waiting to Exhale" where Wes Snipes and Angela Basset end up "sleeping" with each other, but not really sleeping with each other. Still, one is married (despite his circumstance) and they still shared a night together without sex. Was his marriage disrespected or was that infidelity? " *waits on response* |
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Post by 123Diva on Mar 9, 2012 18:32:12 GMT -5
It is highly inappropriate to be (actively) married and spending the night with a member of the opposite sex EVEN IF sex never occurs.
Your place is at home in bed with your hubby/wife. If that can't happen cuz ya'll are hyper-beefing, sleep on the damn couch or at a friend's house...same sex straight friend who won't meddle. SMH.
Let. That. Be. My. Husband.
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Post by DamieQue™ on Mar 12, 2012 15:15:07 GMT -5
I heard infidelity once defined as the things that you might want to do, but would not otherwise do if your significant other found out.
And that of course is a function of what parameters you set. If you consider it disrespectful for (example) your girl to meet with one of her male friends one on one for drinks, that you've set expectations, and if she wants to be with you she has to adhere to that rule just like you have to adhere to hers.
FTR though I think, the things you wouldn't want them to know about could also be just indiscretions not exactly infidelity, but either way you're probably dancing on the razor's edge.
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Post by DamieQue™ on Mar 12, 2012 15:15:28 GMT -5
Great topic btw
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