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Post by DamieQue™ on Mar 6, 2012 12:12:09 GMT -5
You ever had a situation where your S.O.'s friends were feeding your S.O.s fears and concerns that had no basis in reality but that you were still forced to deal with?
Does this only happen to dudes or does this happen to you all too?
If you have seen people do it, why do you think people do it (what drives them)? All insights welcome...
...except the stupid ones...
...those I will I judge immediately...
...but make them anyway...
...if you must...
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Post by QueenOH on Mar 6, 2012 12:28:40 GMT -5
No, Blac has a strong will and is not easily persuades by others.
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Post by LejaOMG on Mar 6, 2012 12:39:12 GMT -5
Not once. But it happened with my parents though. At least once a week, they came home with a new third-party accusation that had nothing to do with me. And I still had to work my butt off to reassure them that I wasn't doing whatever their friends' kids were recently caught doing. If I was unsuccessful in the reassurance, I just had to deal with the consequences as though the accusations were actually based in fact.
1. I didn't get my license until I was almost 18 because Mom's coworker's son drove the family car to school and got in an accident and the family didn't have gap insurance. Mom came home one day hollering about "you won't be crashing my car. No ma'am. Driving to school to impress your friends and have me paying a note on a totaled vehicle. Forget it." Umm what?
2. I wasn't allowed to have a date OR take a limo to prom because my mom had seen a special on 20/20 about the punch getting spiked or some crap "and next thing you know, he's carrying your drunk azz off to have his way with you in the limo. Not at all. Not my child!" But ma...what are you--?
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Post by DamieQue™ on Mar 6, 2012 12:49:35 GMT -5
Limo? Man French Peasants did not invent anti-lock brakes using fly wheels and pulleys for ninjas to be going horizontal in stretched H3's during prom.  
Anyway I assume that being punished/penalized for someone else's fear or concern probably did not sit well with you. Am I correct?
Has no dude seriously ever tossed salt in your game tho?
Yo I think I seenT Leja down at the club grinding that light skint ninja from band. You might want to watch her dog
No? Never happened to you?
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Post by Chal™ on Mar 6, 2012 13:14:35 GMT -5
I'm not sure if I'm getting this right, but a former SO would, after hanging with his friends, accuse me of messing around with someone behind his back because I didn't want to hang at his boys' houses with him. It had to be true because that's how his friend caught his girlfriend cheating.
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Post by nyunupe on Mar 6, 2012 14:41:00 GMT -5
Fears and concerns are all credible because cheating is inevitable. Tell her the shit ain't true, throw it down proper like and move on.
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Post by DamieQue™ on Mar 6, 2012 15:00:16 GMT -5
Fears and concerns are all credible because cheating is inevitable. Tell her the shit ain't true, throw it down proper like and move on. |
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Post by LejaOMG on Mar 6, 2012 15:41:27 GMT -5
Has no dude seriously ever tossed salt in your game tho?
Yo I think I seenT Leja down at the club grinding that light skint ninja from band. You might want to watch her dog
No? Never happened to you? Nope. Not that I'm aware of. |
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Post by DamieQue™ on Mar 6, 2012 15:59:45 GMT -5
<--x Would have bet money that Leja got hated on at least once by a friend of the S.O.
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Post by LejaOMG on Mar 6, 2012 16:01:46 GMT -5
^^ why?
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Post by DamieQue™ on Mar 6, 2012 16:04:28 GMT -5
It just seems like it would have happened. Don't know why. Just would have expected it... maybe it's because, if given a chance, I think people tend to tear down relationships that they're not a part of rather than edifying them.
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Post by LejaOMG on Mar 6, 2012 16:16:32 GMT -5
sounds like something women would do moreso than men. Just sayin...
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Post by DamieQue™ on Mar 6, 2012 17:33:58 GMT -5
sounds like something women would do moreso than men. Just sayin... |
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Post by Sapphire on Mar 6, 2012 20:48:58 GMT -5
sounds like something women would do moreso than men. Just sayin... I concur. |
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Post by QueenOH on Mar 7, 2012 8:56:31 GMT -5
sounds like something women would do moreso than men. Just sayin... I concur. I don't! |
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Post by DamieQue™ on Mar 7, 2012 9:57:38 GMT -5
Well can you give some examples Nessa?
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Post by QueenOH on Mar 7, 2012 10:53:05 GMT -5
The Guys i hang around are always trying to get their other guy friends in touble with the women in their life. They are always saying is like "You would do xyz if you weren't so whipped". And then the other guy feels like he has to prove his manhood by doing xyz
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Post by DamieQue™ on Mar 7, 2012 11:39:11 GMT -5
The Guys i hang around are always trying to get their other guy friends in touble with the women in their life. They are always saying is like "You would do xyz if you weren't so whipped". And then the other guy feels like he has to prove his manhood by doing xyz |
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Post by QueenOH on Mar 7, 2012 12:08:41 GMT -5
The Guys i hang around are always trying to get their other guy friends in touble with the women in their life. They are always saying is like "You would do xyz if you weren't so whipped". And then the other guy feels like he has to prove his manhood by doing xyz I don't know. Why do random men walk around holding their junk in Publix while grocery shopping? |
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Post by nyunupe on Mar 7, 2012 12:12:40 GMT -5
Fears and concerns are all credible because cheating is inevitable. Tell her the shit ain't true, throw it down proper like and move on. All fears and concerns as it relates to the security of the relationships is squarely focused on infidelity. Couples give each other comfort in this area from time to time, but the fear and concern is always centered on if she/he will cheat. It is ALWAYS on the back of our minds.... So, whether or not an SO's friends are feeding the frenzy, no basis in reality or not, the fears are everpresent, and due to the permanent perception of these fears, we have to deal with it in some sort of way or another... It does make it easier if friends stay out of it... I think it happens to guys more. Dare I say this....because guys cheat...and will always cheat. But returning to your point about security, you hit the nail on the head. I believe I see your point. Some women are insecure solely on the basis of their own past indescretions....? I may have drawn a circle, if so, I apologize.... |
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Post by nyunupe on Mar 7, 2012 12:18:31 GMT -5
Why do you think they do/did that? I don't know. Why do random men walk around holding their junk in Publix while grocery shopping? Just had a visual... How do push a cart full of groceries while holding your johnson? I think those type of guys that your are referring to are in the minority. Most guys aren't trying to get their friends in a situation like that. |
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Post by QueenOH on Mar 7, 2012 12:23:54 GMT -5
I don't know. Why do random men walk around holding their junk in Publix while grocery shopping? Just had a visual... How do push a cart full of groceries while holding your johnson? I think those type of guys that your are referring to are in the minority. Most guys aren't trying to get their friends in a situation like that. They have the little baskets not pushing a cart. |
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Post by nyunupe on Mar 7, 2012 12:27:33 GMT -5
Just had a visual... How do push a cart full of groceries while holding your johnson? I think those type of guys that your are referring to are in the minority. Most guys aren't trying to get their friends in a situation like that. They have the little baskets not pushing a cart. Yep. You right.... Just had another visual....of myself doing that. |
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Post by DamieQue™ on Mar 7, 2012 13:21:48 GMT -5
All fears and concerns are about security - but not all fears and concerns are about cheating. Sometimes the poison that's poured in her ear isn't something that makes her doubt you, it's something that makes her doubt herself. You still end up having to deal with the fall out though. All fears and concerns as it relates to the security of the relationships is squarely focused on infidelity. Couples give each other comfort in this area from time to time, but the fear and concern is always centered on if she/he will cheat. It is ALWAYS on the back of our minds.... So, whether or not an SO's friends are feeding the frenzy, no basis in reality or not, the fears are everpresent, and due to the permanent perception of these fears, we have to deal with it in some sort of way or another... It does make it easier if friends stay out of it... I think it happens to guys more. Dare I say this....because guys cheat...and will always cheat. But returning to your point about security, you hit the nail on the head. I believe I see your point. Some women are insecure solely on the basis of their own past indescretions....? I may have drawn a circle, if so, I apologize....
- Am I good enough?
- Do I deserve to be happy?
- Why did he pick me?
that we would never bother to ask or entertain if we did ask them. For them it's like a siege of data analysis and word parsing whose hallmark is the perpetual cycle of self-assurance overcoming self-doubt.
We, as men, start our analysis on the entirely opposite end of the spectrum: we believe we are inherently good enough and we obviously deserve happiness. We don't wonder (on any scale comparable to women) why our signifcant other chose us. They chose to be with us because we ARE good enough and we obviously deserve to be happy. (Now that IS circular but I digress LOL)
Thus anything that a trusted or close friend says to us, we might easily discard, if it doesn't conform to our pre-existing belief that we are "masters of the universe". For women it causes them to think, and when they think they wonder, and when they wonder, they question, and when they question, they doubt.
And it doesn't have to be a lot either (afterall, even the smallest amount of doubt can doom a prize fighter or a soldier when they're going into conflict - it's not a question of weakness). But just enough doubt to make them wonder, did I earn my colleagues respect, did I make the right decision a year ago, does he still find me attractive, does he care about how I feel? All questions that the girl friend can cause her to wonder about without ANY due cause... all by launching some innocent errant statement or by some subconscious need to project her own fears onto her girlfriend.
And none of it has to have anything to do with fidelity (though there are some instances where fidelity is involved). I'm just saying, let's not boil it all down to that.
I don't know if any of you all watch Spartacus (it's a Starz original series) but they illustrated this phenomena a while ago. Basically Spartacus' woman is happy with what she has with Spartacus UNTIL another woman comes in and makes her question it, by suggesting that she is only with Spartacus because of the security he provided her, and that what they had was basically an arrangement where she would give him sex in order to keep her safe. And from that point on, she begin to wonder/doubt, did she mean more to him than just sex? Not a question of fidelity, but a question of how he viewed and valued her.
The truth of course was far different...but the point, someone outside the relationship was allowed to inject doubt into the relationship without just cause. You follow me?
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Post by nyunupe on Mar 7, 2012 13:58:10 GMT -5
Yes, I do follow you. I always follow logic....
However, let's not dismiss the role that the egoism of the male plays here. Our strong, yet fragile make-up forces us to ask those same 3 bullet-point questions that females ask themselves, just in an entirely different, almost indiscernable fashion. That's our bullshit, if you will. I agree that we have a universal attitude about ourselves as "masters of the universe", but once that gets challenged or questioned, we fall back a bit a begin to question our "omnipotence", just differently than a woman would....humility comes to mind. That's the part in my opinion, that we should come to focus on. It's way too easy to dismiss it, though very credible, as inner female issues.
When you say that infidelity has nothing do it with those three-questions that females often ask themselves, where then does the question(s) arrive from?
On the surface, it seems that just boiling it down to infidelity may not be advancing the conversation exactly, but maybe the topic of infidelity should be approached organically and thereby gaining a more broader prospective...What comes to mind here is the old philosophical saying that if the premise is true, then the conclusion is necessarily true. Maybe that's dogmatic, maybe even subjective to some....but those feelings/questions come from somewhere or are motivated by some action....right?
Big fan of Spartacus. The draw comparison between your original question and the three questions women often ask themselves is an excellent point...But, isn't that at the very least about infidelity/fidelity?
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Post by DamieQue™ on Mar 7, 2012 16:04:42 GMT -5
My previous post wasn't meant to suggest (and let me tell it, does not lend itself to the inference) that men don't have their bull$h!t (I would submit to you that this is not one of them or at the very least, the triggering mechanism is different as well as other dynamics). That men may have doubts, and wrestle with them in our own way, is (to my mind's eye) a separate topic, the discussion of which is not a prerequisite for discerning whether or not women's fear and concerns are principally driven by issues of fidelity. Both topics are valid, and both topics are capable of being examined and analyzed separately.
To answer your question, the thing that questions I bulleted have in common is the question of security or stated alternatively "peace of mind". As a species we all want to be content, want to be happy, want to feel secure... we want peace of mind. The bulleted questions (I would posit) come from having that peace of mind disturbed. Resolving the questions restores peace. So fidelity (or concerns about fidelity) can certainly be a subset of "security" but it is not always the root cause. A woman who has no man at all, can be insecure about her self worth for the very fact that she has no man. Infidelity would play no role whatsoever, but you could certainly discern linkages back to "peace of mind". So I agree with you that feelings come from somewhere, they just aren't always launched from the platform of fidelity.
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Post by nyunupe on Mar 7, 2012 16:23:07 GMT -5
"They just aren't always launched from the platform of infedility"
So says the men or "masters of the universe". But there are some obvious truths to your statement, though.
To that end, you given me both a headache and enough to think for one day.
Thank you.
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Post by DamieQue™ on Mar 7, 2012 16:33:08 GMT -5
ROTFL
Observation is a unisex activity my friend. They need not believe themselves masters of the universe, to see a pattern. But good discussion. This is what OO used to be like.
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