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Post by LejaOMG on Dec 1, 2011 9:09:57 GMT -5
This is my favorite entertainment genre of all time. Period. I know some of ya'll know a few lines/routines by heart, so use this thread to share your favorite comedy quotes (feel free to use WikiQuotes if you need help!)
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Post by LejaOMG on Dec 1, 2011 9:13:46 GMT -5
I'll start with some easy ones from everybody's fave, "Kings of Comedy": - Everything you did over your mean grandmama's house gonna run up her light bill. "Don't you come in my house talking loud! You gonna f**k around and run up my light bill! My light bill be sky high cause of yo' little black azz." -D.L. Hughley
- Never in life do you hear about a large group of black people getting killed altogether. 'Cuz we run. Ninja, we run when we see somebody else runnin'. We don't ask no questions why we runnin', we don't need no run coordinator to get the runnin' all organized. Ninja, if I'm with you, and you start runnin'...dammit, I'ma start runnin'! -Cedric the Entertainer
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Post by Kyng of JDs on Dec 1, 2011 10:18:30 GMT -5
Aspirin is perfectly legal, but if you take 13 of them motherf***ers, it'll be your last headache.
--Katt Williams
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Post by Kyng of JDs on Dec 1, 2011 10:19:14 GMT -5
The whole MF part of Bernie Mac's KoC routine.
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Post by LejaOMG on Dec 1, 2011 10:31:39 GMT -5
I was looking for a typed out version of it on the internet. No happs. Best I recollect:
Anbody seen that MFin Bobby? That MFer owe me thirty-fiiive MFin dollars. He said he was gon have my MFin money last week. I called that MFer, but the MFer won't call me back. I start to call his MFin mama house, but I don't want no MFin trouble. If I see this MFer in the MFin street. I'm gon' bust. His MFin. Head! (*drops mic* and I'm out this MFer!)
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Post by Chal™ on Dec 1, 2011 10:43:44 GMT -5
LOL!!!!
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Post by Kyng of JDs on Dec 1, 2011 10:44:34 GMT -5
I was looking for a typed out version of it on the internet. No happs. Best I recollect: Anbody seen that MFin Bobby? That MFer owe me thirty-fiiive MFin dollars. He said he was gon have my MFin money last week. I called that MFer, but the MFer won't call me back. I start to call his MFin mama house, but I don't want no MFin trouble. If I see this MFer in the MFin street. I'm gon' bust. His MFin. Head! (and I'm out this MFer!) I am impressed. |
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Post by Chal™ on Dec 1, 2011 11:15:59 GMT -5
Yeah! Real ninjas. ALL day! Just me. By myself. On the block. Holdin it down. Gun in my waist. Straight face. All day. Not a game. In jail. By myself. 1 bed. No pillow case. 1 pillow. Didnt nobody write me. It was early. Woke up. Went back to sleep. Took a nap. You ever go night night ninja? ~Kevin Hart
Its about to go down.. My mom told me to tell you! To mind your damn motherf***ing business b***h, you lil' stupid b***h, dumb teacher b***h, 2+2 not knowin' what the f**k it is b***h, cross eyed cryin' down your back fat foot azz b***h, long titty no nipple havin' ass b***h! An the crazy shit its my friends in the background OHHHH OHHHH HE SAID SHE AINT ' HAVE NO NIPPLES! Igot suspended an an azzwhoopin' when i got home my mom said i told you to say 2 cuss words your azz said 76 of em. ~ Kevin Hart
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Post by LejaOMG on Dec 1, 2011 11:21:11 GMT -5
^^ love it!
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Post by LejaOMG on Dec 1, 2011 15:04:36 GMT -5
- "If your man is worried about stretchmarks, then I suggest you stop effin with b***h ninjas. Real ninjas ain't got no time to be worried about no simple ish like stretch marks. We know they either came from one of two places. Either you was BIG and got SMALL or you was SMALL and got BIG. Either way..." -Katt Williams
- "You come to us talkin bout 'you effed up my self-esteem.' B**H IT'S CALLED SELF ESTEEM!! Esteem of your MFin self, b***h. HowTF can I eff up how you feel about you? (muttering: simple b***h)" -Katt Williams
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Post by Chal™ on Dec 1, 2011 16:16:19 GMT -5
My uncle comes up, taps me on the back. He's like, 'Kevin, I just want to let you know whoever did this is going to die tonight.' I said, 'Cancer did it. it was cancer.' He said, 'Well, you tell Cancer I'm looking for him, and when I find him, I'm going to shoot him in the face...twice.' ~Kevin
Hey ninja, ninja, ninja, ninja...You know that shit I sold you last week...It's nothin ninjait's nothin, it's nothin...This shit here ninja, this shit here ninja, this shit right here ninja, This shit called Deaf...Death? You mean I'm gonna hit it and die!! Not death ,ninja, deaf...You hit this shit twice you wont hear shit. ~Katt
You can't fire white folk. You fire white folk, you'd best believe somebody gettin' shot that day. "I'm fired? I'll be right back, you sons of bitches." You fire a brother, we be mad for a different reason. "How come you didn't call me at home, motherfucker? You knew I was fired yesterday. Makin' me burn up all my goddam gas."~ D.L. Hughley
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Post by Chal™ on Dec 1, 2011 16:20:31 GMT -5
I was looking for a typed out version of it on the internet. No happs. Best I recollect: Anbody seen that MFin Bobby? That MFer owe me thirty-fiiive MFin dollars. He said he was gon have my MFin money last week. I called that MFer, but the MFer won't call me back. I start to call his MFin mama house, but I don't want no MFin trouble. If I see this MFer in the MFin street. I'm gon' bust. His MFin. Head! (*drops mic* and I'm out this MFer!) So I found a type out version and compared it.... When you're listening to one of our conversations you might here the word M'EFER about 32 times. Don't be afraid of the word MOTHER fuckER... Imma break it down to ya... If you're out there this afternoon and you see like 3 or 4 brothers talkin', you might hear a conversation and it goes like this: You seen that M'EFFIN Bobby? That M'EFFER owes me 35 M'EFFIN dollars! He told me he gone pay my M'EFFIN money last M'EFFER week. I aint seen this M'EFFER yet! I'm not gonna chase this M'EFFER for my 35 M'EFFIN dollars. I called the M'EFER four M'EFFIN times... but the M'EFFER won't call me back. I called his momma the other M'EFFIN day... she gonna play like the M'EFFER wasn't in. I started to cuss her M'EFFIN ass out, but I don't want no M'EFFIN trouble. But I'll tell ya one M'EFFIN thang... the next M'EFFIN time I see this M'EFFER... and he ain't got my M'EFFIN money... I'm gonna bust - his - M'EFFIN head! And I'm OUT this M'EFFA! ~~~~~~ Good job, Leja. lol |
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Post by Chal™ on Dec 1, 2011 16:54:12 GMT -5
I know we shouldn't say this to one another as black people, but you can't spell mf'ing "technology". I know you shouldn't even judge a book by its cover...but there is nothing about you, "Boogie", that says "computer" or "school"! ~ Steve Harvey
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Post by QueenOH on Dec 2, 2011 12:05:51 GMT -5
I got thrown out of a bar in New York City. Now when I say I got thrown out of a bar, I don't mean someone asked me to leave, and we walked to the door together, and I said, "Bye, everybody, I gotta go." Six bouncers hurled my ass out of a nightclub like I was a Frisbee. - Ron White
"That's it, you're outta here!" I said, "I don't think so, Scooter." I was wrong. They hurled me out of that night club, and then they decided to square off with me in the parking lot. But I backed down 'cause I didn't know how many of them it was going to take to whip my ass, but I knew how many they were going to use. That's a handy piece of information to have, right there. - Ron White
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Post by Kyng of JDs on Dec 2, 2011 12:47:08 GMT -5
I got thrown out of a bar in New York City. Now when I say I got thrown out of a bar, I don't mean someone asked me to leave, and we walked to the door together, and I said, "Bye, everybody, I gotta go." Six bouncers hurled my ass out of a nightclub like I was a Frisbee. - Ron White "That's it, you're outta here!" I said, "I don't think so, Scooter." I was wrong. They hurled me out of that night club, and then they decided to square off with me in the parking lot. But I backed down 'cause I didn't know how many of them it was going to take to whip my ass, but I knew how many they were going to use. That's a handy piece of information to have, right there. - Ron White Ron White is my FAVORITE...unethnic comedian... They call me...TATER Salad... |
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Post by Kyng of JDs on Dec 2, 2011 12:49:13 GMT -5
I got thrown out of a bar in New York City. Now when I say I got thrown out of a bar, I don't mean someone asked me to leave, and we walked to the door together, and I said, "Bye, everybody, I gotta go." Six bouncers hurled my ass out of a nightclub like I was a Frisbee. - Ron White "That's it, you're outta here!" I said, "I don't think so, Scooter." I was wrong. They hurled me out of that night club, and then they decided to square off with me in the parking lot. But I backed down 'cause I didn't know how many of them it was going to take to whip my ass, but I knew how many they were going to use. That's a handy piece of information to have, right there. - Ron White Ron White is my FAVORITE...unethnic comedian... They call me...TATER Salad... here was a guy, down in Florida, who said that the age of 53 years old he was in good enough physical condition to withstand the wind, rain, and hail of a force-5 hurricane. Now, lemme explain somethin' to ya: It isn't *that* the wind is blowin'. It's *what* the wind is blowin'. If you get hit by a *Volvo*, it don't matter how many sit-ups you did that mornin'.--Ron White I use this all the time |
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Post by Kyng of JDs on Dec 2, 2011 12:50:56 GMT -5
But let me tell you something, folks: You can't fix stupid. There's not a pill you can take; there's not a class you can go to. Stupid is forever. -- Ron White
Thank you Queen, Thank you very much.
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Post by ShimmeringSTAR on Dec 4, 2011 20:03:11 GMT -5
I was lurking earlier today and I was crying laughing at this....
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Post by juschill on Dec 5, 2011 9:55:27 GMT -5
kevin hart has me in TEARS!!! (all these are paraphrased, of course)
(friend throws pen at ostrich)
-"WHY would you...why would you, thow...a pen at it, when...we dont even know...what it IS? No...NO! Im not saying that...im not SAYING THAT! I'm just saying...why would you throw a PEN at it when we dont know what it is.....WE DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT IT IS!!!!" - kevin hart, "i'm a grown little man"
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Post by Rare_Commodity on Dec 13, 2011 10:57:35 GMT -5
Yeah Kevin Hart aka Chocolate Drop is a fool!
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Post by Chal™ on Dec 13, 2011 11:57:15 GMT -5
"White people y'all too nice. Just let a mofo eff up the greatest country for eight years in a eff'n row... White people you'll just let the driver of the car be lost for miles, and miles, and miles; and they won't even say nothing. Just sit in the back seat and talk ish quietly to each other and ish... 'I don't think they even know where they're going.. No 'cause we passed that three... times remember.. I took a picture with my camera phone, you do remember!'
And Ninjas we ain't got no patience, you can't even be with a lost driver of ninjas. cause ninjas we be 'cause we ain't got enough patience. As soon as your a$$ takes two suspect lefts.. Your a$$ is no longer the God damn driver!"
~Katt Williams
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Post by Chal™ on Dec 13, 2011 12:04:58 GMT -5
"My legs tired, ain't your legs tired!? His legs ain't Tired! He Just... Tinktinktinktinktinktink, TinktinkTinktinkTinktink!! Just paperclips and sparks everywhere!"
I know 50 done made it cool to get shot, ain't nothing cool about gettin' shot. I've been shot before, ain't ish cool about it. When I got shot, ain't no Music play, ain't no b*****s come out, Nothin'!
"Thank God for Michele Obama, That's a real ninja. Barack may be a clone, but Michele Obama is a thoroughbred Ninja. you could look right on TV and tell that's a real ninja. You know if you walk up on her in person she smell like Motions hair conditioner and Cocoa butter, Mm MMM! that's a real ninja."
"Just saying ladies, stop worrying about shit that don't matter. some of you that had some babies, now you got some stretch marks, walking around the house bitter. Blaming the baby, showing the baby your highschool picture, talking about 'LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO ME!"
"If a mofo call you a crackhead for 20 years, bish you are smoking crack! Whitney done smoked her kneecaps off, and we still talking about "Uh UH!"
~Katt Williams
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Post by Chal™ on Dec 13, 2011 12:10:05 GMT -5
Cousin: SEX! MONEY! DRUGS! you need to get a relationship with God, just because i was out there SUCKING D*** FOR MONEY, doesn't mean...............
Kevin: wait a min wait a min, how are you just going to speed past that like you didn't just say that. And when was this?
Cousin: Back in the 80's. Yo daddy was with me.
Dad ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT HEY YOU GONE LEARN TODAY.
Kevin: UMMMMMMMMMMM NO THE EFF I AINT. YOU CAN KEEP THAT damn LESSON TO YOURSELF, DAD!!
~Kevin Hart
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Post by Chal™ on Dec 13, 2011 12:18:22 GMT -5
Before I say anything, I just wanna start by by sayin God is good all the time*dead silence* Oh so nobody know what they supposed to say to Jesus???
~Kevin Hart
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Post by LejaOMG on Dec 14, 2011 9:29:32 GMT -5
#tears
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Post by Chal™ on Dec 14, 2011 13:27:24 GMT -5
it's not stand-up, but I love Kevin Hart youtu.be/psG_sBcJoHUre: today's video game controllers Nowadays you gotta be a Poly-multi-epidexterous Siamese twin with double jointed pinkys |
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