Relationship Struggles

[coldfront06]

For those in relationships, what is an area that you and your partner struggle with?

[Versatile]

I guess it's just you.

<----Steppin' up her hatin' game

[Bunny Hop]

selfishness

[coldfront06]

Your own, your partner's, or both?

[Bunny Hop]

they both see each other as being selfish for different reasons. One person thinks the other only does only what's convenient for them. The other feels as if their feelings aren't being taken into consideration. Neither understand why the other feels the way they do.

[Puzzler]

I would say communication on some things. Sometimes we tend to assume that we know what the other person is thinking. Or one of us is just not listening. LOL!

[Sweet&Chic]

Ok peoples I'm single after nearly 10 years... so what's been happening? for a novice to the game (again)

[coldfront06]

Sorry to hear that Sweet, unless you're happy about it. Then I'm happy for you.

[DamieQue™]

Compromise - we both think we're correct in positions. That makes life difficult since I'm the one that's right. ;D

Communication - both in how we do it and what we communicate. I need to learn how to speak with more "love" even if it is criticism. I can't tear her down. Even if I'm mad. It's counter-productive. If I am to get my point across she has to feel I'm saying what I'm saying out of love, and not out of malice of any kind (otherwise I'm asking for trouble)

Fellas maybe y'all will feel me on this, in a relationship it's generally the woman has the right to be emotionally unconstrained. We aren't supposed to raise our voices, and if we do we aren't supposed to do it very often. They however (and this is a generalization - I freely admit it) are allowed to (or believe they are allowed to) say whatever it is they want, however they want, because they have a right to express their feelings.

Ladies I say to you, if you do not speak to your man with respect (even when you're upset) you are asking for trouble. No man is built to tolerate disrespect. Insults, smart remarks, unbridled criticisms, telling him what to do... no dude is going to stick around for that. Not only will he feel devalued as a man, you will take away his peace of mind. Once that happens he is on his way out... you can count on it. Either he'll leave out the front door (breaking up with you) or the back door (cheating on you). But he is leaving.

[coldfront06]

That has been my #1 struggle in any relationship. Do no talk to me like I'm stupid or beneath you...it will get ugly. I will hurt your feelings. Now maybe I need to do a better job of controlling my reaction when women get like that...or maybe they need to understand that you just don't do that to a man. So far, I haven't had that problem with the current lady.

[DamieQue™]

God bless you Cold. You might have a winner. Sometimes I don't think they mean to speak condescending - alot of times they just sincerely believe what they're thinking is the right thing.

So they don't see themselves as disrespecting you or telling you what to do - they just see themselves giving their viewpoint - which by their best estimates - is the right one.


Another thing I don't like is manipulation. To me that's just game playing kicked up to another notch. If there's something you want from me ask. I might say yes or I might say no... but just ask. Give me that respect. Don't try to ask questions (or create situations) that funnel me towards the end that you wanted all along. And don't test me. I'll fail it on purpose.

Example, if one of your friends sees me out at a restaurant with another woman... and you wondering about it. Ask me.

Number 1: I'm not an idiot. If I went with her to a public restaurant, I'm already aware there's a chance that I'll be seen. If I was trying to creep I would NEVER meet her anywhere in public
Number 2: If your friend said she saw me somewhere with someone, why not just ask who it was? Why ask me what I had for a dinner? Where I went? and then FINALLY if I ate by myself. You know I didn't eat by myself - your girl already told you. If you're asking me about dinner - that's random - I already KNOW what you're talking about. (See point 1)
Number 3: If I lie - what are you going to do? Admit that you had someone spying on me? Admit that you knew all along that I went out to eat with someone else? Then what was the point of you asking? We both knew what you were getting at why not just ask instead of trying to test me? If it was something I was trying to hide we NEVER would have been in public?

[Bunny Hop]

Is it hard for a guy to try and see something from the girl's point of view? He might not be able to totally understand it but sometimes I think that trying to see where the other person is coming from might help the situation a little.

I know I tend to think a certain way about a lot of things so I might ask a friend, male or female, what they think since everyone has a different way of looking at a situation.


I've been guilty of the manipulation thing before. That dude was such a liar and a bad one at that....lying for his friend, lying about himself, just lying, lol. I'm so glad that never went anywhere cause that fool would have been trying to move in by the end of the summer...

[goldenepiphany]

Communication


Selfishness


Control

[Search1906]

Damie I hear you man. My advice is choose your battles man. That is one thing I have learn being married.

We struggle with taking advice and doing things each others way which is sometimes different. We're both engineers who formulate ways to do things and aren't always willing to deviate once we settle on an approach. This results in some comical exchanges at times.

[MochaD]

You are so on point Damie. I've learned that through trial and error and now finally having a "Manly" Man -LoL. He has said the EXACT same thing and it ain't nothing but the truth

We tend to struggle with religion. He's a "new believer" and can be extreme sometimes. I'm praying for him though...

[msurbana]

I'm currently writing an apology letter now.

LOL so I guess I struggle with being wrong. LOL

Okay what had happened was I raised my voice, made accusations, and refused to let him talk.

Which means I broke 3 rules off of his list

We both made lists of things that we'd appreciate it if the other did not do.

So now I am in the "you owe an apology" house.

damn!!!!!


I also am (brace yourselves) a bit of a control freak...so sometimes I get mad anal about the tiniest things.

[MochaD]

I have control issues myself and WE recognize it. I don't stress it too tough because I was a control freak before we got together. Because I have love for him, I am working on it and he tolerates it and he "understands" but there will be no "disrespect" tolerated on either behalf EVER and that gets checked IMMEDIATELY.

[msurbana]

So I read it wrong.

an I will be living in this thread. There are so many things I want to bring up.


Jointly we are struggling with understanding each other's grooves.

Also we are struggling with unintentional hypocricy.
We both get on each other for things we BOTH do.

[coldfront06]

Glad you brought that one up Outtie. Thats one we struggle with too...she is quick to point out something that I did that she always does. I'm bad about it too.

[Bunny Hop]

so what are some of the solutions to the issues yall brought up?

[coldfront06]

I'll let you know when I figure them out...lol

[MochaD]

Don't think there are "solutions" per say. Just a matter or tolerating and compromise. If you're not willing to do one, the other and/or both that relationship is doomed for failure. No one is perfect but at the end of the day, if the good out ways the bad i say stick with him or her and work it out. Relationships ARE WORK!! Rome wasn't built in a day -LoL.

[Can - Do]

On my side...

I am way too sensitive. The other day he said " you need to talk more ". Am I'm like WHAT? I think because I know he's a critical capricorn I take what he says to heart too much,

On his side...

He knows I'm sensitive but yet still comments on certain aspects that he knows I;m sensitive about. He sees it as we should be able to play around with each other, cause we both know we;re satisfied with each other.

I've been working on it. And I don't wanna be that " bitter chic " who has been destroyed by past men.

[DamieQue™]

The unintentional hypocrisy thing is a biggie... I've struggled with that one recently. I mean why is it that I can see when she's screwing up so clearly, but not when I'm doing it?

Also I do try to pick my battles, but that's one of the problems - I've skipped some that I SHOULD have taken. Sometimes you just HAVE to have it out. You can't just let it go or chalk it up, otherwise it comes back with interest and then the other person is justifiably confused as to why you are so angry... I mean you let it go before - and now you're exploding about it? That's not a good deal.

<---= is guilty of this

[No Screen Name]

I am an only child, and have spent most of my life alone. I have changed a lot, and no longer carry those fairy-tale notions of romance. I HAVE to have regular periods alone, and I don't like someone up under me all the time at this point (it was different when I was younger). Also, with me working two jobs, being active in my church and sorority, as well as with belly dance, I just have a very limited amount of time.

This is my boo's first "real" relationship. He still has those lovey-dovey notions, and he is a tiny bit clingy. So are some of my friends and family members. It really started affecting my mental health at one point--being pulled from so many different directions.

The other thing is that he's not saved--but he is open and goes with me to church and stuff.

Other than those issues, we actually are a good fit. He is okay with my hard-core feminism, and we see eye-to-eye on many issues. Also, he is a borderline genius (he is a scientsit and an engineer) so he always keeps me on my toes mentally. Also, he is a closet freak! You'd never know it by looking at him--he is a Poindexter.

[Can - Do]

I like Outties idea of making lists of things that you prefer the other not do.

We've voiced our opinions on that type of stuff, and as things come up we comment on them.

[Bunny Hop]

z said:

I am an only child, and have spent most of my life alone. I have changed a lot, and no longer carry those fairy-tale notions of romance. I HAVE to have regular periods alone, and I don't like someone up under me all the time at this point (it was different when I was younger).

I think we as only children are often misunderstood. someone didn't like the fact that I need time to myself to think things through. It's not about not wanting to be around others but that's how people will ALWAYS take it.

[No Screen Name]

Fergie said it best: "I need to be with myself and center. Clarity...peace, serenity..."

But get this: HE is an only child, too!

I think part of it stems from being so busy, and him not being nearly as busy as I am.

[PDeezy]

We are struggling with time, our lives are soooooo busy and different until its ridiculous....like right now for instance, I have nothing to do but he is doing homework...*sigh*

[coldfront06]

Off topic, but there are some real haters on this site. I exalted you PDes to get you out of the negative, but almost instantly someone else took you back down. LOL.