Advice Columns

[ceeceedream]

So I read one particular advice column religiously. I will post a question from it here every now and then but I will leave it to you to answer it.

Miss My Adulterous BFF: My BFF and my brother had an affair. My sister-in-law caught them. She decided not to divorce my brother but, as a condition of their reconciliation, required everyone in our family to cut my BFF and her family out of our lives. Anyone who has any contact with my BFF is not a friend of their marriage and is no longer welcome in their home. I love my sister-in-law and I do not approve of my brother's affair in any way. At the same time, I ache for my BFF. We were like sisters, and now if I so much as email her, I won't be able to see my nieces or my brother anymore. I am depressed over the loss of this lifelong friendship, and my sister-in-law has noticed my grief. She's angry with me for missing a "homewrecker" and thinks I approve of the affair because I miss my BFF so much. She thinks I should be outraged at my BFF. Maybe I should be. I don't want to lose my brother or my nieces or my friendship with my sister-in-law. But I can't stop missing my BFF, and I am having a lot of trouble concealing how much I miss her. What should I do?

What say you, OOA?

[Chal™]

i say your sister in law is wrong. period point blank. you can not dictate to me who i can and cannot be friends with. you can only ask that i don't have them around you. if she's petty enough to "cut me off" then a big f**k you to her

[ceeceedream]

I agree! Especially when the husband gets off so easily. The sister-law-is crazy. But I do see how she can feel that way. Clearly she is hurt.

I rarely find the posts interesting enough to share but this one was good.

[Chal™]

You can see how she feels that way? How? Where is she justified? HE cheated on her. She should take that up with HIM. But HE is the only one who owes her anything, no one else.

[Southie]

Jun 18, 2012 20:18:45 GMT -5 ceeceedream said:

So I read one particular advice column religiously. I will post a question from it here every now and then but I will leave it to you to answer it.

Miss My Adulterous BFF: My BFF and my brother had an affair. My sister-in-law caught them. She decided not to divorce my brother but, as a condition of their reconciliation, required everyone in our family to cut my BFF and her family out of our lives. Anyone who has any contact with my BFF is not a friend of their marriage and is no longer welcome in their home. I love my sister-in-law and I do not approve of my brother's affair in any way. At the same time, I ache for my BFF. We were like sisters, and now if I so much as email her, I won't be able to see my nieces or my brother anymore. I am depressed over the loss of this lifelong friendship, and my sister-in-law has noticed my grief. She's angry with me for missing a "homewrecker" and thinks I approve of the affair because I miss my BFF so much. She thinks I should be outraged at my BFF. Maybe I should be. I don't want to lose my brother or my nieces or my friendship with my sister-in-law. But I can't stop missing my BFF, and I am having a lot of trouble concealing how much I miss her. What should I do?

What say you, OOA?

She really did not have to stop being friends with the girl for being a slut.

[ceeceedream]

When I say I see how she feels I mean that I understand the hurt she must be feeling. I do not agree with banning people from other people. I do, however, understand that someone can be hurt to the point of irrational behavior. I have never been betrayed that way but I can see where some people would act out this way.

[ShimmeringSTAR]

A mess...she cant dictate who the family hangs with...

[ceeceedream]

Another interesting one:

Etiquette Following Family Member's Death: A while ago my friend visited the U.S. and stayed in my home. While she was here she received an urgent call from Japan saying her father's medical condition suddenly deteriorated and he was on his deathbed. During the following hours she made numerous lengthy long distance calls to her travel agent to arrange a flight back as well as various family members to ascertain what was going on. She managed to board a flight the next day to say goodbye to her father. After she left I received a huge telephone bill, $200 of which were hers. I did not contact her about this because of the timing. It has been over a month now and she's made no mention of how she is going to pay me back. My question is, is it now appropriate to ask her to pay me back? Or should I just wait for her to say something about it?

To those who would eat the $200, how about $2000?

[ceeceedream]

Another...


I work at a small nonprofit of about 20 people, most of whom are under age 35. Our president is a big personality and often tries to treat employees as friends, whether they like it or not. She makes jokes that are highly inappropriate and she bullies our more timid employees. Last week she took things to a whole new level. In an attempt to scare a female employee who’s been the victim of some of her bullying, she snuck up behind her and planned to give the employee a soft tug on her skirt. What actually happened was that the employee's skirt came off her waist and exposed her underwear. Immediately afterward the president repeatedly told the depantsed employee "not to tell anyone." The employee did go to speak to a high-ranking executive officer about this and the bullying. Later that day the executive went into the president's office and, leaving the door open so we could all hear, casually brought it up. The president has profusely apologized to the employee, but as far as anyone can tell she has received no disciplinary action. Would it be wrong to tattle about something that didn't happen to me? Or should I just butt out of what is not my business?


—Caught With My Pants Down at Work

[ceeceedream]

Q. Confessing an Affair After the Marriage Has Ended: My soon-to-be-ex-wife and I are going through a divorce. We're trying to do our best to keep things civil, but obviously there are a lot of negative emotions running through. Last week I received a drunken 2 a.m. call from my wife, starting with a stream of abuse. This was totally out of character for her so I stayed on the line to make sure she wasn't somewhere dangerous and somebody was looking after her. Then she blurted out, "Did you cheat on me when we were together? Answer me honestly and I won't hate you for the rest of my life." I was shocked, because I did have a short fling about a year before we separated. It was on the other side of the world, with a woman who has absolutely zero mutual connections with me, and I was pretty damn sure nobody would ever find out. I was very careful. I told her she was drunk and needed to rest and hung up. We haven't had any contact since. I am not sure whether I should ’fess up, or let it be. If she already knows somehow, I feel like I at least owe her my honesty and acknowledge I had an affair, apologize, and tell her it wasn't her fault. But I'm worried that this is going to unleash a whole lot of ill feelings and even more unnecessary hurt than what we're both going through. Your thoughts?

[ceeceedream]

Q. Spoiled Niece: My 10-year-old niece owns two American Girl dolls. The dolls are a source of pride for her, because she "bought" them herself. My sister and her husband give her a weekly allowance in exchange for performing household chores. They require her to put a percentage in a savings account for college and donate another percentage to a local charity. My niece can spend the rest of her allowance on whatever she pleases. To my husband and me, who don't make nearly as much as my sister or my brother-in-law, our niece receives a very large allowance for a young child. The allowance was large enough that she was able to purchase the two American Girl dolls over the course of 18 months. She enjoys bringing one or both of the dolls to family gatherings. My daughter, the same age as my niece, would love an American Girl doll, but my husband and I can't afford it. I feel like my niece flaunts her dolls and doesn't understand that she seems spoiled to others who aren't as fortunate. Sometimes it's difficult to spend time around my nieces and nephew because they have many more toys than my kids do, and my kids feel badly afterward. How can I address these issues with my sister without making her defensive and my niece without hurting her?

[ceeceedream]

Q. Should I Call the Authorities on a Loving Mom?: My neighbors have two children, ages 4 years and 9 months, and the older child is profoundly disabled. For whatever reason, the parents have opted to keep him at home rather than placing him in a facility. They don't have hired help, maybe for financial reasons. The dad works and mom is alone with the two children all day. Because the older son needs round the clock care, the younger daughter is constantly left alone. She doesn't cry when she wakes up because she knows nobody will tend to her. Mom rushes through feeding, practically shoving food in her mouth, before going back to the older child. The daughter is at an inquisitive age, so she's blocked off from the son's bedroom, where mom is for the most of her day. The parents have baby-proofed the living room and leave her alone there all day long. When dad gets home, the parents take turns sleeping in shifts so the daughter still doesn't get a lot of attention. I try to take the baby out every now and then and it's heartbreaking to see her so enthusiastic when I talk to or cuddle her. I would have called the authorities for neglect a long time ago if I didn't know the special circumstances of the family, or how upset they also are over not being able to give their baby the attention she needs. But I feel bad for the little girl, and keep thinking that somebody should intervene. They are socially isolated, so it won't be difficult to figure out it was me who called. I'm torn between doing something for the baby, and wanting to support the parents who already have a hard time. Is there a win-win situation here at all?

[ceeceedream]

Dear Prudie,
I like to check out VHS movies from my local library. The last one was a Civil War documentary about General Custer's last stand. But I was appalled to realize that the tape contained nothing of the sort, and was a homemade pornographic film! As if this wasn't disturbing enough, I noticed that two of the people "acting" on the tape bore a close resemblance to a former co-worker of mine at the local high school and a former student. I didn't leave the tape in long enough to see what happened between the two of them, but I always thought they had a strange relationship. My former co-worker has passed away and I'm certain the student now has a family of her own. What should I do with the tape?



—Concerned Bibliophile

[ceeceedream]

Dear Prudence,
Several years ago, after accepting that I'd be alone forever, I met a wonderful man. He was kind, compassionate, intelligent, hilarious, and widely respected. We were true soul mates. Shortly after we married he was diagnosed with a terminal illness. He fought bravely for several years while I gladly worked full time, cared for him, and basically took care of everything so that he could focus on his health and the things he enjoyed. He recently lost his battle. While searching for information on some loose ends, I stumbled across email responses he had sent to singles and couples seeking casual sexual encounters. The three instances I found were a few months after we'd met and were falling in love, shortly after we'd declared our love, and earlier this year, after we'd been "happily married" for some time. I am destroyed. I’m now grieving for the relationship I thought we had and the man I thought he was. I gave everything I had to him, and now I want to flush his ashes down the toilet. I am very close to his family, and my family loved him. We still have to plan his memorial. I can't stand the thought of planning, attending, or acting sad at his memorial. I don't want to keep his last name. I don’t want to see his family. I don't want to scatter his ashes in places he loved. I don't want to tell our families what he did and destroy their vision of him. But I don't think it's fair that I bear the brunt of this pain alone and live behind the facade of grieving widow.
—Betrayed Widow

[ceeceedream]

Dead-Dog Dilemma: When my oldest son was 8, we decided to get a dog. I've raised dogs before so I had a fairly good idea of what I was getting myself into, until I realized our new dog was the devil's spawn in furry disguise. I won't get into all the trouble he caused. We made a difficult decision to send him back to his previous owner, but my son was adamantly against it. He went on a hunger strike and refused to speak to anyone, including at school. (He inherits the drama-queen gene from both his parents.) So one day we sent him to his grandparents under the guise of a happy weekend outing, and secretly took the dog back. After our son came home we lied and said the dog died. To make it believable we pretended to have buried the dog in the backyard. My son is now 13 and he still goes to the "grave" to mark every anniversary of the "death," which in itself is impressive because he doesn't even remember his own birthday. Anyway, the problem is, we are now moving. My son has been increasingly worried about leaving Scooter behind and has been asking us to exhume his body to rebury him in our new house. He is insisting that he be there to witness the "ceremony" of exhuming and reburying as he feels he never got a proper chance to say goodbye at the original "funeral." Knowing our son, he would be devastated and perhaps scarred for life if we admit the truth. I know it was wrong to lie but we don't want our son to lose trust in us forever because of what happened in the past. What should we do?


My answer....