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Post by Chal™ on Sept 9, 2010 11:59:10 GMT -5
Do you give them? Do you accept them?
A friend and I had a major disagreement yesterday that could possibly lead the the shattering of our friendship. A few minutes ago, this friend called and said, "Are you ready to apologize so we can move on?"
I don't feel like I should apologize. He should. He doesn't feel he should apologize. I should. For this reason, we both refuse. Some might call it being stubborn, but I seriously don't believe in apologizing just for the hell of it. If that means the friendship is over, so be it.
What say you, OOA?
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Post by Southie on Sept 9, 2010 12:10:13 GMT -5
If the person is not sincere, I would not want an "empty" apology. Its just words.
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Post by LogAKAlly <3'n Keef on Sept 9, 2010 12:16:09 GMT -5
I feel VERY strongly on this matter!
I don't give them or take them.
Apology + Sincerity = Behavior Modification
Apology + No Change = Bullshit
I believe most things that people apologize for aren't apology worthy...they are simply misunderstandings/miscommunications.
IMO, when a person has to sincerely apologize, change will have to come about for the relationship to continue.
For me to apoligize, I have to:
1. See and agree that I have done something wrong, and agree to change
2. Decide if that changing that characteristic is something that will be a universal benefit to all my relationships or JUST this one.
Once I accept that I have wronged/hurt someone I care about - my mind will no longer allow me to hold on to the behavior and I will commit to change.
When this happens, you will not only get thee most genuine and sincere apology, you will SEE the change.
The thing is, I really like me, flaws and all - so good luck getting my to change...therefore, apologize.
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Post by DamieQue™ on Sept 9, 2010 12:19:32 GMT -5
Do you give them? Do you accept them? A friend and I had a major disagreement yesterday that could possible lead the the shattering of our friendship. A few minutes ago, this friend called and said, "Are you ready to apologize so we can move on?" I don't feel like I should apologize. He should. He doesn't feel he should apologize. I should. For this reason, we both refuse. Some might call it being stubborn, but I seriously don't believe in apologizing just for the hell of it. If that means the friendship is over, so be it. What say you, OOA?
Naw... it would have to be a meaningless argument, a meaningful friendship, and I would have to offer it without pre-condition and without prompt, as a gift of compromise.
Otherwise get lost. |
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InMyWorld
OOA pledge
Golden's Child[C01:Blue]
Posts: 214
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Post by InMyWorld on Sept 9, 2010 12:19:59 GMT -5
I def don't apologize if i feel like I'm right in the situation. Which is why some people might consider me mean and sometimes bitchy. IDC how upset someone may get, but if i dont feel like i should apologize, im not apologizing. If i can understand the point you are trying make then i will tell you that i understand, but you're still wrong.
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Post by LogAKAlly <3'n Keef on Sept 9, 2010 12:23:04 GMT -5
Damie...apologize for remodeling my PokeBall without permission!
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Post by DamieQue™ on Sept 9, 2010 12:29:55 GMT -5
Damie...apologize for remodeling my PokeBall without permission!
My bad. Is that better? |
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Post by LogAKAlly <3'n Keef on Sept 9, 2010 12:30:37 GMT -5
I'm suing yo black ass for the $450 you're worth!!  |
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Post by LejaOMG on Sept 9, 2010 12:31:20 GMT -5
hmmm...I guess I can say that my apologies usually aren't empty. I've occasionally "apologized" in situations where I wasn't actually sorry, in order to appease the other person. But it wasn't for the heck of it, it was because on some level, I was actually apologetic for whatever role I may have played (albeit unknowingly) in the misunderstanding that led to the current disagreement.
As for taking them, I've received some very wack apologies in my day. One time a friend said something to which I took offense. I informed him and he told me basically to walk it off because he didn't feel it was that serious. I took that as a sign that we weren't meant to be friends. Eventually he mustered an apology that went something like "I'm not really sorry. And I don't think I was wrong. But for some reason, you seem to be upset. Therefore, so as to have you stop being upset with me, I'll just apologize." It was meaningless to me (as it apparently was to him). It's not always what you say [to me], it's more about how you say it. I would've taken it differently had it been said another way.
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Post by DamieQue™ on Sept 9, 2010 12:32:08 GMT -5
I'm suing yo black ass for the $450 you're worth!!  |
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Post by DamieQue™ on Sept 9, 2010 12:33:45 GMT -5
hmmm...I guess I can say that my apologies usually aren't empty. I've occasionally "apologized" in situations where I wasn't actually sorry, in order to appease the other person. But it wasn't for the heck of it, it was because on some level, I was actually apologetic for whatever role I may have played (albeit unknowingly) in the misunderstanding that led to the current disagreement. As for taking them, I've received some very wack apologies in my day. One time a friend said something to which I took offense. I informed him and he told me basically to walk it off because he didn't feel it was that serious. I took that as a sign that we weren't meant to be friends. Eventually he mustered an apology that went something like "I'm not really sorry. And I don't think I was wrong. But for some reason, you seem to be upset. Therefore, so as to have you stop being upset with me, I'll just apologize." It was meaningless to me (as it apparently was to him). It's not always what you say [to me], it's more about how you say it. I would've taken it differently had it been said another way.
#curious
<--x has received wack a$$ apologies before
<--x didn't dwell on it, just moved on |
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Post by LogAKAlly <3'n Keef on Sept 9, 2010 12:39:37 GMT -5
I'm suing yo black ass for the $450 you're worth!! Well at least I can still run you over with it! ;D |
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Post by T-Rex91 on Sept 9, 2010 12:45:34 GMT -5
<---has accepted empty apologies
Sometimes it's just going through the motions. It means something to the other person and nothing to me.
In Chal's example above, I'd probably do exactly what Chal did and refuse. When I have my "it's the principle of it" moments, i'm stubborn as a mule and will take the consequences.
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Post by LejaOMG on Sept 9, 2010 12:50:46 GMT -5
What other way could it have been said?
#curious
Maybe with just a hint of politeness...The way it was said (it was awhile ago, but that wasn't really a paraphrase, I typed it as near to verbatim as I can remember) reeked of passive aggression. I don't have any respect for that. He may as well have said nothing. To answer: "I understand you were offended by what I said. I didn't mean to hurt you. I apologize for hurting your feelings." Even if he didn't agree that he was wrong, the above could have been said sincerely. Maybe it's just me, but I think any real friend should feel a tinge of remorse for hurting a friend's feelings. |
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Post by DamieQue™ on Sept 9, 2010 12:59:43 GMT -5
What other way could it have been said?
#curious
Maybe with just a hint of politeness...The way it was said (it was awhile ago, but that wasn't really a paraphrase, I typed it as near to verbatim as I can remember) reeked of passive aggression. I don't have any respect for that. He may as well have said nothing. "I understand you were offended by what I said. I didn't mean to hurt you. I apologize for hurting your feelings." Even if he didn't agree that he was wrong, the above could have been sincerely. Maybe it's just me, but I think any real friend should feel a tinge of remorse for hurting a friend's feelings.
That's probably why I try (emphasis on try) to not even worry about an apology. It's best to just get past it on your own if you can, and if that person happens to apologize one day - it can be all love and a return to respect - and if not - you're not stuck nursing a grudge that only slows you down. |
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Post by Chal™ on Sept 9, 2010 13:09:05 GMT -5
a lot of this is just what I'm saying. You want ME to apologize to you, when you're basically saying the SAME thing. You don't see why YOU should apologized because in YOUR eyes, YOU did NOTHING wrong. Well, in MY eyes, neither did I.
me: why am I apologizing?
him: you said some hurtful things.
me: were your feelings hurt?
him: no, but what you said could have hurt my feelings if I weren't the way I am
me: so again, what the fuq am i apologizing for?nah, don't hold your breath. not gonna happen.
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Post by LejaOMG on Sept 9, 2010 13:25:13 GMT -5
Maybe with just a hint of politeness...The way it was said (it was awhile ago, but that wasn't really a paraphrase, I typed it as near to verbatim as I can remember) reeked of passive aggression. I don't have any respect for that. He may as well have said nothing. "I understand you were offended by what I said. I didn't mean to hurt you. I apologize for hurting your feelings." Even if he didn't agree that he was wrong, the above could have been sincerely. Maybe it's just me, but I think any real friend should feel a tinge of remorse for hurting a friend's feelings.
...It's best to just get past it on your own if you can, and if that person happens to apologize one day - it can be all love and a return to respect - and if not - you're not stuck nursing a grudge that only slows you down. IMO, the version I offer was passive, but not aggressive. At any rate, I agree with the second part. It's not smart to allow your peace-of-mind to depend on the action of someone who has already shown that they don't mind hurting your feelings and feel no obligation to apologize for doing so. |
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Post by QueenOH on Sept 9, 2010 13:37:14 GMT -5
If the empty apology comes along with some kind of bribe (i.e. gummy bears, chocolate, ice cream) then yeah I'll accept it.
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Post by DamieQue™ on Sept 9, 2010 13:37:52 GMT -5
To me they both reek of passive aggression
...It's best to just get past it on your own if you can, and if that person happens to apologize one day - it can be all love and a return to respect - and if not - you're not stuck nursing a grudge that only slows you down. IMO, the version I offer was passive, but not aggressive. At any rate, I agree with the second part. It's not smart to allow your peace-of-mind to depend on the action of someone who has already shown that they don't mind hurting your feelings and feel no obligation to apologize for doing so. |
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Post by LejaOMG on Sept 9, 2010 13:39:54 GMT -5
Not sure. If so, it has never been pointed out to me.
ETA: I don't generally seek apologies. More likely, I present my position to the other person and leave it to them to decide what to do. I also try to remember to make it my issue. I don't say "you hurt me when." Instead, I say "I took offense to." My goal is not to put the other person on defense, but to make it known how I feel. If being a "friend" means in part that you are concerned for the other person's welfare and seek their best interest, then logically speaking, a friend wouldn't be comfortable with their friend being hurt. Especially when the hurt is a result of something you did or said.
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Post by DamieQue™ on Sept 9, 2010 14:16:33 GMT -5
Not sure. If so, it has never been pointed out to me. ETA: I don't generally seek apologies. More likely, I present my position to the other person and leave it to them to decide what to do. I also try to remember to make it my issue. I don't say "you hurt me when." Instead, I say "I took offense to." My goal is not to put the other person on defense, but to make it known how I feel. If being a "friend" means in part that you are concerned for the other person's welfare and seek their best interest, then logically speaking, a friend wouldn't be comfortable with their friend being hurt. Especially when the hurt is a result of something you did or said.
Rather than hold a grudge I'll just meet their standard. And if their standard isn't good enough for them, I just remind them it's the one they set. I can live with giving as good as I receive and being sincere as I have received sincerity. |
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Post by LejaOMG on Sept 9, 2010 14:31:02 GMT -5
I'll add, there's probably a balancing test between how much I value the relationship and how badly I was hurt. Because I like to be a certain way with my friends, I have no choice but to take certain things extremely personally. Therefore, if we were BFF status, what you said or did may have hurt me worse than the same behavior from a random coworker. If you hurt me so badly, that I don't consider you capable of helping me get through it; I'll get through it on my own. 100% of the time I come out on the other side relieved of any desire to be in a relationship with you.
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Post by Southie on Sept 9, 2010 14:46:01 GMT -5
I also get irritated with public officials make "empty" apologies...having a press conference to apologize, when you know they are not sorry. Just save it!  |
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Post by T-Rex91 on Sept 9, 2010 14:57:19 GMT -5
I have a hell of a lot more respect for people who i am diametrically opposed with in view but will stand up and own their view than the Dr Laura, Imus, Prince Harry, Mel Gibson types who apologize to salvage their images and then go to rehab knowing full well they are only apologizing for getting caught.
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Post by Bunny Hop on Sept 9, 2010 17:50:05 GMT -5
"I understand you were offended by what I said. I didn't mean to hurt you. I apologize for hurting your feelings." Even if he didn't agree that he was wrong, the above could have been said sincerely. Maybe it's just me, but I think any real friend should feel a tinge of remorse for hurting a friend's feelings. I totally agree with these type of apologies (given and received). One of us may not be sorry for what was said or done but hurt feelings was not the intention. |
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Post by Bunny Hop on Sept 9, 2010 17:57:01 GMT -5
I hate those BS apologies that people give thinking "ok I'll apologize and we'll move on" or "this is what she wants so I'll just do it." In either case they don't mean it and it's totally obvious.
If you know you're just going to keep on doing the very thing you just apologized for then save it. It's pointless and the next time it happens I'm bring the old thing back up. Stuff doesn't just go away because of an apology, especially a BS one.
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Post by Bunny Hop on Sept 9, 2010 17:59:24 GMT -5
a lot of this is just what I'm saying. You want ME to apologize to you, when you're basically saying the SAME thing. You don't see why YOU should apologized because in YOUR eyes, YOU did NOTHING wrong. Well, in MY eyes, neither did I. me: why am I apologizing? him: you said some hurtful things. me: were your feelings hurt? him: no, but what you said could have hurt my feelings if I weren't the way I am me: so again, what the fuq am i apologizing for?nah, don't hold your breath. not gonna happen. We'd both be SOL in this situation. It sounds like he just wants to make you squirm or he needs an ego boost or something. He needs a good "whateva nigguh " LOL |
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Post by All Pledging Is Legal on Sept 9, 2010 20:14:50 GMT -5
I do it all the time. I mean, how can a man expect to get some action without making empty promises and telling sweet lies?
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Post by Chal™ on Sept 10, 2010 0:07:14 GMT -5
We'd both be SOL in this situation. It sounds like he just wants to make you squirm or he needs an ego boost or something. He needs a good "whateva nigguh " LOL And that's pretty much what he got. Then, before he hangs up he says, "Well, it's been fun knowing you." I said, "Get your lame ass off my damn phone!" and hung up. I don't have time for ego stroking. lol |
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Post by peppermint on Sept 10, 2010 4:14:03 GMT -5
Don't give 'em and don't accept them
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